Heartbreak

Last Week, June 18 I was at work and noticed a lot of blood in my stool.  Gross, but I was a little freaked out.  Blood in the stool is usually a really bad thing.  I asked one of my coworkers about it, she told me not to freak out but would recommend me seeing a dr.  We have GI doctors at the surgery center, so I was going to ask them, but then never got the chance.

That night my mom, Becca, and Gramma Bulloch came to stay with us so that we could drive down to LA for grampa's surgery the next day.  So Friday, the next morning, my stomach was still pretty sore and I was cramping, and I noticed a little blood, but not as much as the day before.

I talked to my mom about it and I had also had my thyroid checked on base the week before, so while waiting at the hospital before grampa's surgery, my dr on base called to let me know my thyroid results came back normal, so I told her about the blood.  She told me to make an appointment on base to have a stool sample done and make sure everything is ok.

Even though I was still very uncomfortable and sore, I decided to ride out the weekend and enjoy being in LA with my mom, Becca and other Bulloch family for grampa.

Monday Came and I had an easy day at work, so i asked the charge nurse if I could go make an appointment on base to find out what the bleeding was caused by.  I told my pcm on base what was going on, what I was feeling, and asked to do a blood pregnancy test.  I realized maybe I was pregnant and I was uncomfortable because of that.  I had some blood work done and did a stool sample and then was sent to do my thing for the week.

Thursday I was at work, and got a call from one of the nurses on base.  She told me that my pregnancy test tested positive for pregnancy but that the HCG levels seemed really low and since my last period, it should have been higher.  She told me they wanted to do an ultrasound to make sure there was no ectopic pregnancy or see if I was just early on in the pregnancy.  So I told my charge nurse what was happening and she let me leave to go do the ultrasound.  I met Zach at the clinic and we went in for the ultrasound.  The US tech was making really uncomfortable faces.  I was slightly excited then gradually nervous and sad.  After the ultrasound she told me that she needed to talk to the Dr first before she could tell me the results of the ultrasound, but since the dr's were on lunch, we would have to wait a little.  

So we went to the BX to kill time.  I was gradually starting to cramp, and it was hurting pretty bad.  I usually have pretty bad cramping during my periods and I just wanted to die!  We went in and bought me some Midol, but really just wanted to sit in the car.  I curled in a ball and rocked back and forth.  We went back to the clinic to wait on the phone call from the Dr. When the US tech finally called, she said I was good to go.  I asked her if I was supposed to be in so much pain.  She told me to wait and then she called the dr.  We waited 30 more minutes and Zach was getting impatient too.  He finally went and put my name back on the list to go back to the US tech.  She called back and told me she was sorry I was in so much pain and that she didn't see a pregnancy.  She told me the dr should have called and apologized that they hadn't.  So we started to leave and as we were getting out to the car, the RN called us back in. She was with my PCM.  They pulled us into a room and told us that because of the low levels of HCG and the fact that the US showed no pregnancy, i could be having an ectopic pregnancy.  They informed me that since I was in so much pain, to go to the ER.  

So we did, and we did all the tests again.  We did another US and more blood tests.  And we waited 4 hours for test results.  It was a very long day.  But they sent us home at about 8:30pm.  I already knew I had a miscarriage, but they still wanted me to go back 48 hours later to make sure my HCG levels went down.

They did.  We were diagnosed with a complete miscarriage.  

It's been a pretty rough week.  This was a sad day for us.  Almost excited to be pregnant, and then sad at the end of the day with a miscarriage.  Zach and I have grown a lot! We have definitely grown stronger and closer.  I am grateful to be married to him and be growing through all this with him.

We have had so much love and support shown to us through our friends and family, and we definitely see The Lord's hands in all of this.  We've been told "these things happen." which they do, but it doesn't make it any easier.  

I truly feel the Lord is preparing us and my body to have a baby.  We could wait longer but I am now knowledgeable about what my body needed to have this pregnancy that will prepare me for the next one.  Unfortunately we had to learn in a rough way, but Heavenly Father needed me to know what I need to do.  So Zach and I can move forward with our growing family.

We had people tell us things like “maybe it’s not the right time” and we could easily have given up, but in my heart I just knew there was a reason.  Why would it have felt right to have a baby the months leading up to the miscarriage and then all of a sudden it wasn’t right?  I knew and felt strongly in my heart that there was more than this miscarriage.  I knew that the Lord needed me to keep trying, and that I have babies waiting for their mortal life and they were rooting me on to get some help.

Heavenly Father knows us,  There is a plan for us.  He wants us to be happy.