The Results are In

Test results.  My doctor chose the most inopportune time to call and tell me the results of the HSG test.  I was in Dallas watching Ethan, Matt and Emery while Jill and Rob were in Florida.  I had all these fun plans to do with the kids.  We were gonna build forts and go to the park or zoo.  I was going to be fun aunt Krista. 

I am just glad I heard my phone ring.  The kids like to play games on my phone, and I let them.  I was also jet-lagged and wanted to lay down for a minute while the kids played in the other room, (I know, fun aunt Krista).  But then I heard my phone ring and I ran to find it before I missed the call.  I barely got it in time. 

My doctor was on the other end of the line.  He gave me the news very bluntly.  I didn’t really even have enough time to register the results.  “I am sorry to tell you both of your tubes are completely blocked.  There is a procedure you can do to have them unblocked, but the chances of them becoming clear are slim.  I would recommend doing IVF treatments to get pregnant. “ 

I was kind of prepared for those words.   After all, I could see that the dye didn’t spread.  I just had a tiny bit of hope that I saw wrong.  Then I got a huge punch to the stomach.   I felt nauseas.  I felt like I had let my husband down.  I had let myself down.  I am not capable of doing my divine womanly duties naturally and that was going to be a huge trial for me and Zach.  Not only that, but how are we ever going to be able to pay for IVF!! I know that it’s not cheap, and we don’t just have stacks of money sitting around.  If only!

And if that wasn’t enough bad news, I decided to call and follow up about Balboa.  I had just learned that the only way of getting pregnant was through IVF and I only have 3 months to get things going, or else this was all for nothing.  I called Balboa and they didn’t have my referral.  So I called the referral girl on base and she told me that they had sent the referral but would call balboa for me and get the fax number to resend the referral.  When I talked to her again, she told me that Balboa had actually received our referral 3 weeks ago! But instead of telling me they weren’t taking any more patients, they just told me that they didn’t get my referral!

So now I was told that my tubes are a piece of crap, and the place we were going to have lined up for fertility was not an option all in one day.   But, I was spending my week with 3 little people who didn’t know what I was going through, or that I was hurting in the first place.  I needed to forget myself and enjoy them.  So I did.  We had picnics on the living room floor, played hide and go seek, went to the park, and just reminded me that I am fun Aunt Krista.

HSG

That test was hell!  I had heard mixed reviews.  One friend told me there was a little pressure but it didn’t hurt at all.  A couple other friends told me it was some of the worst pain they had ever felt.  So I went in thinking it was just going to give off a little bit of pressure.  Boy was I wrong.  I was in so much pain and trying to breath through the pain.  They had me flip side to side, while I was trying to keep my breathing under control and watch the screen at the same time.  I could see that the dye wasn’t spreading.  I was cheering on the dye on my head, “spread dye, spread!”  They had explained what the test was supposed to reveal.  I could clearly see that it was not doing the right thing.  Ultimately I started hyperventilating and they stopped the procedure.  Worried that I had messed up the test, I asked if they had gotten everything they needed.  With sad faces, the nurse and doctor involved told me they got what they needed but were worried about me. 

When I was leaving the nurse apologized to me.  I took Zach’s hand as we walked out.  I explained what happened during the test and couldn’t help but focus on the fact that the nurse had apologized to me.  Was she apologizing because I was in so much pain?  Or was it because she knew from the results that there was not any good news? 

I really wanted to believe that the dye had spread.  I must have just not gotten a good enough look.  Everything was fine!  My tubes were clear and I just needed to try clomid a little more with some monitoring.  After all, I am supposed to have lots of children.  It’s what I live for.  There’s no way I will have trouble getting pregnant.

Let’s be real.  I got in the car and bawled.  I was broken.  I saw that the dye hadn’t spread.  I was feeling so much guilt and sadness.  I was letting my husband down.  And I was scared.