HSG

That test was hell!  I had heard mixed reviews.  One friend told me there was a little pressure but it didn’t hurt at all.  A couple other friends told me it was some of the worst pain they had ever felt.  So I went in thinking it was just going to give off a little bit of pressure.  Boy was I wrong.  I was in so much pain and trying to breath through the pain.  They had me flip side to side, while I was trying to keep my breathing under control and watch the screen at the same time.  I could see that the dye wasn’t spreading.  I was cheering on the dye on my head, “spread dye, spread!”  They had explained what the test was supposed to reveal.  I could clearly see that it was not doing the right thing.  Ultimately I started hyperventilating and they stopped the procedure.  Worried that I had messed up the test, I asked if they had gotten everything they needed.  With sad faces, the nurse and doctor involved told me they got what they needed but were worried about me. 

When I was leaving the nurse apologized to me.  I took Zach’s hand as we walked out.  I explained what happened during the test and couldn’t help but focus on the fact that the nurse had apologized to me.  Was she apologizing because I was in so much pain?  Or was it because she knew from the results that there was not any good news? 

I really wanted to believe that the dye had spread.  I must have just not gotten a good enough look.  Everything was fine!  My tubes were clear and I just needed to try clomid a little more with some monitoring.  After all, I am supposed to have lots of children.  It’s what I live for.  There’s no way I will have trouble getting pregnant.

Let’s be real.  I got in the car and bawled.  I was broken.  I saw that the dye hadn’t spread.  I was feeling so much guilt and sadness.  I was letting my husband down.  And I was scared.