MRI

So the Monday after Zach left, I received a call from my Dr. telling me that when they had done the HSS exam he had found a "marker" and they needed me to go in for an MRI.  Luckily I was able to get an MRI scheduled for the following Thursday, after work, but before I headed to Utah for the weekend.  But on the referral, under "reason for exam" was written "adenomyosis."  So not wanting to look up too much online, but atleast wanting to know what it was, I searched it.

Basically it's a condition where there's a thickening of the uterine wall, that causes infertility and miscarriages.  Meaning, that if we had implanted I may not ever be able to get pregnant.  I knew I wouldn't get results until after the weekend, so I had all weekend that I was just storing up more and more nervousness and anxiety about the results.  And in all honesty, I had a lot of anger building up.  If I couldn't get pregnant at all, why didn't they do this test before I had my egg retrieval?  If I needed to get a surrogate, and pay extra money, why wasn't I given the option to invest our original expenses into adoption instead of creating embryos that I wouldn't be able to carry anyway?

I was already stressed out because of the extra money that keeps adding on, but not knowing the results of the MRI scared the crap out of me!!  I spent the weekend in Utah, so that was able to help keep my mind off everything, but once I had to drive back to CA and I was in a car by myself for 3 hours, my mind was spinning to a ton of different conclusions.  And I was not doing well.

On Tuesday, I got home from work and went straight to my room and grabbed my patriarchal blessing.  And though it says one thing, I was starting to doubt that it was true.  If my MRI results came back bad, I was really starting to question my faith.  In the priesthood, in my patriarchal blessing, in trying to make good choices.  I reread what it says on motherhood over and over again, and realized I just needed to be patient and faithful, and know that things will work out.

About an hour later, my Dr called to tell me the results. He told me that the MRI showed that I don't have adenomyosis (phew) but that I have uterine fibroids (benign tumors), and I need to have a hysteroscopy to have them removed.  I still felt a little nervous, but more so relieved that it's still possible to have children.  I also texted my sisters right away, and learned that Mel had some too and had to have them removed.  And she has 3 awesome kids.  So it really gave me some peace of mind.

I feel like this last week has just been bad news after bad news.  And being home alone now, with limited time to actually talk to Zach, I've really been in a bad place.  Just trying to figure it out but not really having anyone to talk to.  I've continued to read my scriptures and say my prayers.  It's really the only thing I can do.  Even though sometimes my faith is tested, I am grateful for the gospel foundation I do have that keeps me grounded and I can keep doing the simple things that help me grow.