On February 5, around 12:30am, I was woken up with a phone call from Dr. Evans telling me that Declan was showing signs of an infection and he wanted my permission to give him a spinal tap. Earlier that week, I had a weird feeling in my throat and was worried it was something serious and chose not to go visit. But by Thursday, I had gone in to finally hold Declan for the first time!
So when Dr. Evans called....I was so scared I somehow got Declan sick!! I called Zach after getting off the phone with Dr. Evans because I was worried I got Declan sick. He ended up calling the NICU and finding out that it was not something I did.
But I still struggled to fall back asleep. By about 1:30am, Dr. Evans called back and told me I needed to get to the NICU ASAP, that Declan wasn't doing good. I ran upstairs to wake up Rob and asked if he could drive me to the hospital. It was the longest 20 minutes of my life! I also, called Zach on the way, and told him to get to the hospital now!! Rob dropped me off while he went to park, and as I was coming up to the corner near the NICU, one of the nurses Kathy, met me. And it was that moment that I knew things were not good! She grabbed me by the arm and told me, "we are going to walk in together."
We walked in, and she let me skip washing my hands. When we walked to where the boys were, Dr Evans, Sean the RT, and a couple nurses were giving Declan CPR. I could not believe it!! I couldn't breathe! I couldn't stand! Kathy pulled me over to a seat, I sat for a minute feeling like I was going to throw up, but then they asked if I would like to go up to him. I stood next to Declan and cried, "Come on Declan!" "I'm here Declan, come on baby!" I had asked Dr. Evans how long they had been doing CPR. He told me 20 minutes. And I could see on the monitor that his heart rate wasn't going up. Dr. Evans told me that there was pretty much nothing else they could do. Knowing that 20 minutes was a long time, on such a tiny infant, I gave them permission to stop CPR. After they stopped, his heart rate started going up again. I nudged the Dr, and they started CPR again but it wasn't helping. So they stopped again, unhooked him from his monitors, and wrapped him in a blanket for me to hold. After I sat down, Rob came in and sat next to me. No words were spoken, since there didn't need to be. But we both cried as I held my sweet baby in my arms. Zach called my phone, but I handed it to Dr. Evans to tell Zach what had happened.
Dr Evans asked Zach to pull the car over, and proceeded to tell him that we lost Declan. No words can express the amount of pain that I felt that night. So many things were running through my head. I even thought about asking Rob if he would like to hold Declan, but I realized, this was my baby that I wasn't going to have for the rest of this life, and I was entitled to hold him in my arms.
At one point, Declan gave a big breath, and I asked Dr. Evans if Declan was breathing on his own, but he told me that essentially, these were his last breaths. I moved to sit closer to Isaac, to be near him as well, and at that moment, Isaac's monitors started beeping! The RT ran over, then yelled for a nurse, and my heart sunk again!! I was so worried Isaac was having problems too and I just couldn't handle all this heartache. Once they got Isaac under control, I sat near him again, holding Declan. And I distinctly remember Declan taking his last breathe, and knowing that was his last breathe.
Zach had his some horrible traffic on the way, since there was fog in a pass he had to go through, the police stopped traffic until it was safe to drive. But somehow, Zach managed to get to the hospital fast. In about an hour! As soon as Zach got there, Rob left and made the phone call to my mom. Zach took Declan and held him and gave him a blessing! He blessed him and told him how proud we are.
As soon as we were ready, we gave Declan to the nurses, gave Isaac some love, and went home to "sleep."
*** The Version I wrote on my phone after the night
At about 1 am Sunday February 5, I received a phone call from dr Evans. He told me Declan wasn't doing too well and they suspected an infection and wanted permission to do a spinal tap. He told me he would call me in about an hour to give me an update. I called zach to tell him about it. Then a little bit later dr Evans called me again, telling me it would be a good idea to get to the hospital. I ran upstairs to have rob take me to the hospital. He dropped me off at the front and I went upstairs. One of the nurse, Kathy, met me in the hallway. She clenched onto my arm and told me we would walk in together and that everyone would be there to hold me up. I walked in and saw dr Evans, the respiratory therapist, and carinn a nurse, all surrounding my baby and giving him chest compressions. I lost it! I sat down for a minute and watched and silently prayed for Declan to come back. I got up and stood next to him telling him to come back. But I continued to watch his heart rate drop. Dr Evans told me he was gone. That he wasn't coming back. He asked if I wanted to hold him while he was still alive. They stopped compressions for a minute and his heart rate started to come up, so they tried compressions again but he dropped again. So I agreed to let them stop so they could take monitors off him and I could hold him.
They wrapped him in a blanket and handed him to me. I sat down and cried. Dr Evans sat next to me. And rob sat on the other side of me. How was this happening? And what the heck happened? He was doing so good!! Declan grabbed onto my finger and I told him how much I loved him. He had a few gasps of air and dr Evans told me essentially they were his last breaths. I laid him on my chest and held him close. I felt his last gasp for breath and knew that was it. I just held him, not wanting to let go. I could feel his body get colder and I continued to kiss his cold head. Rob sat next to me and we cried. Zach showed up about an hour and a half later, and I put Declan in his arms. He told Declan how proud of him we are. And how we will see him soon. We both cried! This was such a shock to us!
I gave rob a hug and he left for us to be together. Zach held Declan for a while. And I took him back so that zach could give him a blessing. Zach blessed him and told him we are proud of him and proud he has been called to go fulfill heavenly fathers plan. And that he needed to go get work done and that's why Heavenly Father called upon him. He blessed him to watch over Isaac and protect him.
I opened up his blanket to take a look at his tiny feet and hold them in my hands. Then I broke down before I handed him off.
Some blessings we have seen and felt:
Declan served a purpose on earth. He came and got his body, and he held on long enough that both zach and I were able to hold him in our arms and tell him we loved him. Zach had come just a few hours before and held him for the first time.
Isaacs water broke, because he needed help, but it was almost as if he also needed to help his brother get back home to our father in heaven.
Declan and I had a special bond. He never opened his eyes until about a week ago and he held my finger tightly and looked at me. When I got to hold him he smiled for me the whole time. It was the sweetest thing and I will never forget that. I left that day on cloud 9.
