Declan Donald

On February 5, around 12:30am, I was woken up with a phone call from Dr. Evans telling me that Declan was showing signs of an infection and he wanted my permission to give him a spinal tap.  Earlier that week, I had a weird feeling in my throat and was worried it was something serious and chose not to go visit.  But by Thursday, I had gone in to finally hold Declan for the first time!
So when Dr. Evans called....I was so scared I somehow got Declan sick!! I called Zach after getting off the phone with Dr. Evans because I was worried I got Declan sick.  He ended up calling the NICU and finding out that it was not something I did. 
But I still struggled to fall back asleep.  By about 1:30am, Dr. Evans called back and told me I needed to get to the NICU ASAP, that Declan wasn't doing good.  I ran upstairs to wake up Rob and asked if he could drive me to the hospital.  It was the longest 20 minutes of my life!  I also, called Zach on the way, and told him to get to the hospital now!!  Rob dropped me off while he went to park, and as  I was coming up to the corner near the NICU, one of the nurses Kathy,  met me.  And it was that moment that I knew things were not good!  She grabbed me by the arm and told me, "we are going to walk in together."
We walked in, and she let me skip washing my hands.   When we walked to where the boys were, Dr Evans, Sean the RT, and a couple nurses were giving Declan CPR.  I could not believe it!!  I couldn't breathe! I couldn't stand! Kathy pulled me over to a seat, I sat for a minute feeling like I was going to throw up, but then they asked if I would like to go up to him.  I stood next to Declan and cried, "Come on Declan!"  "I'm here Declan, come on baby!"  I had asked Dr. Evans how long they had been doing CPR.  He told me 20 minutes.  And I could see on the monitor that his heart rate wasn't going up.  Dr. Evans told me that there was pretty much nothing else they could do.  Knowing that 20 minutes was a long time, on such a tiny infant, I gave them permission to stop CPR.  After they stopped, his heart rate started going up again.  I nudged the Dr, and they started CPR again but it wasn't helping.  So they stopped again, unhooked him from his monitors, and wrapped him in a blanket for me to hold.  After I sat down, Rob came in and sat next to me.  No words were spoken, since there didn't need to be.  But we both cried as I held my sweet baby in my arms.  Zach called my phone, but I handed it to Dr. Evans to tell Zach what had happened. 
Dr Evans asked Zach to pull the car over, and proceeded to tell him that we lost Declan.  No words can express the amount of pain that I felt that night.  So many things were running through my head.  I even thought about asking Rob if he would like to hold Declan, but I realized, this was my baby that I wasn't going to have for the rest of this life, and I was entitled to hold him in my arms. 
At one point, Declan gave a big breath, and I asked Dr. Evans if Declan was breathing on his own, but he told me that essentially, these were his last breaths.  I moved to sit closer to Isaac, to be near him as well, and at that moment, Isaac's monitors started beeping! The RT ran over, then yelled for a nurse, and my heart sunk again!! I was so worried Isaac was having problems too and I just couldn't handle all this heartache.  Once they got Isaac under control, I sat near him again, holding Declan.  And I distinctly remember Declan taking his last breathe, and knowing that was his last breathe. 

Zach had his some horrible traffic on the way, since there was fog in a pass he had to go through, the police stopped traffic until it was safe to drive.  But somehow, Zach managed to get to the hospital fast.  In about an hour! As soon as Zach got there, Rob left and made the phone call to my mom.  Zach took Declan and held him and gave him a blessing!  He blessed him and told him how proud we are. 
As soon as we were ready, we gave Declan to the nurses, gave Isaac some love, and went home to "sleep." 


*** The Version I wrote on my phone after the night
At about 1 am Sunday February 5, I received a phone call from dr Evans. He told me Declan wasn't doing too well and they suspected an infection and wanted permission to do a spinal tap. He told me he would call me in about an hour to give me an update. I called zach to tell him about it. Then a little bit later dr Evans called me again, telling me it would be a good idea to get to the hospital. I ran upstairs to have rob take me to the hospital. He dropped me off at the front and I went upstairs. One of the nurse, Kathy, met me in the hallway. She clenched onto my arm and told me we would walk in together and that everyone would be there to hold me up. I walked in and saw dr Evans, the respiratory therapist, and carinn a nurse, all surrounding my baby and giving him chest compressions. I lost it! I sat down for a minute and watched and silently prayed for Declan to come back. I got up and stood next to him telling him to come back. But I continued to watch his heart rate drop. Dr Evans told me he was gone. That he wasn't coming back. He asked if I wanted to hold him while he was still alive. They stopped compressions for a minute and his heart rate started to come up, so they tried compressions again but he dropped again. So I agreed to let them stop so they could take monitors off him and I could hold him. 
They wrapped him in a blanket and handed him to me. I sat down and cried. Dr Evans sat next to me. And rob sat on the other side of me. How was this happening? And what the heck happened? He was doing so good!! Declan grabbed onto my finger and I told him how much I loved him. He had a few gasps of air and dr Evans told me essentially they were his last breaths.  I laid him on my chest and held him close. I felt his last gasp for breath and knew that was it. I just held him, not wanting to let go. I could feel his body get colder and I continued to kiss his cold head.  Rob sat next to me and we cried. Zach showed up about an hour and a half later, and I put Declan in his arms. He told Declan how proud of him we are. And how we will see him soon. We both cried! This was such a shock to us! 
I gave rob a hug and he left for us to be together. Zach held Declan for a while. And I took him back so that zach could give him a blessing. Zach blessed him and told him we are proud of him and proud he has been called to go fulfill heavenly fathers plan. And that he needed to go get work done and that's why Heavenly Father called upon him. He blessed him to watch over Isaac and protect him. 
I opened up his blanket to take a look at his tiny feet and hold them in my hands. Then I broke down before I handed him off. 

Some blessings we have seen and felt:
Declan served a purpose on earth. He came and got his body, and he held on long enough that both zach and I were able to hold him in our arms and tell him we loved him. Zach had come just a few hours before and held him for the first time. 
Isaacs water broke, because he needed help, but it was almost as if he also needed to help his brother get back home to our father in heaven. 
Declan and I had a special bond. He never opened his eyes until about a week ago and he held my finger tightly and looked at me. When I got to hold him he smiled for me the whole time. It was the sweetest thing and I will never forget that. I left that day on cloud 9.

Delivery

I had spent 2 weeks at Jill and Rob's house. I think Jill liked having another adult at the house while Rob was gone every other week.  But on January 14, when I woke up, I could not feel baby B move.  He was normally very wiggly, and I didn't want to be paranoid, but at the same time, I really felt like something was wrong.
The good news was, as soon as I stood up to go to the bathroom, I started leaking more fluid.  I knew I needed to go back to the hospital.  And it was just nice that I didn't have to be paranoid, but could just do what needed to be done.  Jill drove me to the hospital, and I called Zach (who was at Edwards to fly) to drive back down to T.O.
I wasn't such a nervous wreck this time around.  I knew everything was going to be ok.  I knew that if they could get me 3 more weeks along, I could get further.  Dr. Vangeem came in to tell me that this time around I would not be leaving until the babies were born.  So to get nice and cozy.  The next day, Sunday, January 15, I was doing good. 
I had this weird thought that I could have the babies that day.  And that if I did have the babies, they would be just fine.  That everything was going to be ok.
 But I was starting to bleed, really heavy actually.  So the nurses kept in contact with  Dr. VanGeem.  He showed up at the hospital around 7pm and came in to tell me that it was a good idea to deliver the boys via c-section.  They wanted to get the NICU team ready and have a good delivery team ready before it became an emergency situation.  The NICU dr, Dr. Mah came in to meet us.  He told us that with the boys being 27 weeks, that we should be aware of complications this early on.  We were able to get another round of steroids to help with their lungs, but he did warn us that babies that early tend to have problems arise.  Dr. VanGeem also warned us that the boys had a great chance of living, but their chances of health problems was greater.
We still felt ok and knew this was what needed to happen.  So they got the OR ready, and we were able to call our families to let them know these boys were coming!  Zach gave me a blessing before I went in.
They wheeled me into the OR about 8pm, gave me an epidural and let me get comfy.  The anesthesiologist was great and even put a mirror over my head so I could watch the whole thing.  Zach got in his cool suit and cap and came in with the camera. 
The boys were born at 8:35pm and 8:36pm.  Dr. VanGeem told me I might not hear them cry, but Declan came out first and gave a little squeal! It was the most amazing thing! And he was so small!  They took him over to an incubator where Zach was able to cut his umbilical cord.  Isaac was born, but immediately he was handed the other direction.  At that point, I didn't know there were any issues with him.  I just thought, one group had Declan and one group had Isaac.  And while Zach was taking pictures, he mentioned he couldn't get any of Isaac.  Me, not knowing the situation, told him to just ask if he could get closer.  He was told to wait.  But got plenty of pictures of Declan.  They wheeled both boys together in an incubator to the NICU and I was back in my room before 9Pm.  It was so quick!! I was opened and stitched back up in about 15 minutes.  I was feeling pretty good too.
Before they wheeled me into my post-partum room, the nurse was nice enough to wheel me down to see my boys!!
I saw Declan first and he was so little!! He was 14.5inches long and 2.1lbs.  Isaac was 15.5 inches long and weighed 2lbs. Declan was able to breath on his own, with just a nasal cannula, but Isaac had to be intubated.  That is why he was given so much attention in the OR.  He had come out blue, lacking oxygen, and I learned later that he was being resuscitated.  That's a scary thing for a mom!
But my boys were so beautiful!!  And Zach was obsessed.  While I was stuck in my hospital bed, Zach spent most of his time in the NICU with our sweet boys!  He was learning so much about their care, how the machines worked, and every little detail of the NICU.  It really was sweet to watch Zach become this instant mega dad! He sure loves his boys!!
I didn't get to see the boys again until the next day.  By that point, my mom, dad, and Jimmy's family had driven down to see us.  The kids couldn't go into the NICU, but with Zach, he could take in the adults to see the boys.  January 16, monday night, Zach and my dad gave the boys blessings.  Unfortunately, I didn't get Declan's on video, but we do have a video of partial Isaac's blessing. 
It's amazing how instantly your heart can love someone! And even two people equally.  I love my boys so much and feel so grateful to be their mama. 

Christmas!

So after a few weeks of bedrest, it was so nice knowing I did not have to go to work!!! Ahh!

We were all going to Vegas for the week between Christmas and New Years.  Christmas was on a Sunday this year, and after speaking with Jill and Rob, they weren't heading to Vegas until after their Christmas morning at home.  So we decided instead of staying home by ourselves for Christmas, we were going to go spend Christmas Eve and Christmas with them. 

I had a follow up appointment with Dr. Karimi in Pasadena Thursday, December 22, So I had Jill bring the kids to us there to spend a couple days with us.  We took them with us to Edwards to see planes and things.  We even took them to a trampoline park so they could jump.  We had a lot of fun.  Then Friday, we drove down to Santa Clarita and met Jill and Rob at Cafe Rio.  I jumped in the car with them so Zach could go back home for the night with Rockie. 

Zach drove down Saturday morning.  During the afternoon, we decided to take boogie boards and go off the PCH where the guys would take the kids and slide down a giant sand hill.  They made it up one time...and came down one time... It was a lot of work!!! We hopped back in the car and went to some tide pools nearby.  We found a baby star fish! Rob wasn't cool with us touching it in fear it was going to die.  But walking back to the car, I started to feel a contraction, even though I didn't realize it at that point. 

We went back to Jill's house and decided on Thai food for dinner.  After we ate, and the kids went to bed, we stayed up and got the stockings filled and Christmas laid out.  We stayed up talking and as I was sitting on the couch , again I could feel contractions.  They were just minor cramps to me.  After talking, we walked to bed about 10:30pm. As soon as I walked into our room, I felt a flush of fluid!! I freaked out!! I had no idea what was going on.  I immediately went to the bathroom, and then screamed for Jill to come in.  I was expecting blood, but it was so much clear fluid!! I was only 24 weeks along! It was way too early for my water to break!! I put on my shoes and had rob and Zach give me a blessing before we went to the hospital. 

There really was so much fluid!! We got to the ER and they wheeled me up to labor and delivery.  I was crying uncontrollably and extremely scared!  The nurses got us into a room, and had me change into a gown.  Then they set up the heart rate monitors.  There was a lot of relief in hearing two little heart beats.  So strong!!  They asked if I was having contractions, but I didn't feel anything.  I never could calm down!

They put us in a different room, a more permanent room, and eventually the Ob-Gyn on call came to see us.  We had been told by so many nurses that if they were to be in our situation, this was the Dr they would want.  So that was a relief.  His name was Dr. VanGeem.  He came in and told us the game plan.  My water had in fact broke.  At that point, we thought it was baby A's water.  He told me they would have me on a bunch of medications and magnesium to keep me from going into labor.  They also were going to give me steroid shots for the babies; to help their lungs develop quicker. 
He told me that since the boys were only 24 weeks, there was a chance they might not survive and to consider sacrificing the weaker baby to save the stronger baby.
No way in hell! That was not even an option! And how does any parent make that choice?  I did not feel good with that decision!  As far as we could tell, from the heart monitors, they were both being strong.  I was encouraged to get a good night sleep (somehow) and then in the morning I was going to have an ultrasound. 
Christmas day!
The US tech didn't make it in until about 1pm.  It was a long wait!! But when they did the ultrasound, both of their fluid levels were high.  We learned that it was baby B (the higher one) whose water broke.  And baby A was acting as a plug to keep them in.  Both babies looked good. 
At that point, I was supposed to stay in the hospital another 3 months, or as long as possible, before giving birth.  So I was making good friends with the nurses and learning what was worth ordering for food. 
We missed Christmas and New Year's in Vegas, but we did have the Russell's from Edwards come visit us.  They brought me books and a ginger bread house to keep me occupied in the hospital for that long.
January 2, after I had been in the hospital a little over a week, Dr. VanGeem came in to tell me everything was looking good.  The boys' fluid levels were looking great, and as long as I wasn't having contractions he would let me go home...but only to Jill's.  Where I was in a close vicinity to Los Robles Hospital.  He was not comfortable with me going to Edwards since we weren't sure of the NICU option at Antelope Valley Hospital.  Jill and Rob agreed to let me stay with them.

I was supposed to be on bedrest, but i had a really hard time asking Jill...who was 9 months pregnant herself, help me with stuff.  So even though I spent most of my time in bed, i still got up regularly to get food or something.  And in the back of my head, I was really stressed about that...

Cerclage

On December 1, I left work to go to my scheduled high risk appointment. I remember the week before my high risk Dr mentioning something about my cervix being short.  But I was too naive to think that was a problem.  I went in for my appointment, and immediately my dr told me my cervix was about 1cm long and I was dilated about a 4.  I still didn't know what any of that meant, but he made phone calls to AV hospital to see if their on-call OB-GYN knew how to perform a cerclage.   He did not.  So Dr. Devore had a friend down in LA who could perform them.  I called Zach at work to come pick me up because we needed to drive down to LA to get this procedure done ASAP.  I was not supposed to walk, but they allowed me to walk out to my car to wait for Zach. 

We made our way down to Pasadena, where we went to Dr. Karimi's office.  We made it in a good enough time and he was waiting for us.  He did an ultrasound to check for his self and decided I needed to get a cerclage that night.  The hospital was right across the street, so they wheeled me over and got me admitted. 

Unfortunately, there were no available time slots in the OR's for me that night, so I had to wait until morning.  Zach went and picked up Arby's for us for dinner, and it was the most delicious thing.  He even got salted caramel cookies, that I had become addicted to after that point.  All night, we heard many women go through labor and screaming down the hallways.  It was hard to get a good night sleep.

The following morning, which was a Friday, I had my cerclage.  They gave me an epidural but I was awake, since general anesthesia is not good for the babies.  Everything went well and they took me outside the OR in recovery until the numbing wore off.  It happened pretty quickly though. 

The boys were doing well! All of their monitoring showed that they were great!  I told the Dr that I did not want to go back to work...ever!!  I was so fearful of more complications since I was already worked too much at my new job.  I had this feeling for weeks, that I needed to go on bedrest.  I stood all day long, I was never given a real break.  And the tech that was supposed to be the float always made me give breaks.  It made no sense!!  I was not in a good position to be working as hard as I was. So Dr. Karimi agreed that he would write me out of work for the remainder of my pregnancy.  What a relief?!

After the cerclage, they kept me another 24 hours to monitor me.  I had noticed I was leaking fluid, and it kept Dr. Karimi on edge!  The last thing he wanted to do was to somehow rupture a placenta and cause amniotic fluid to leak...or cause me to go into labor.  They did a couple tests and monitored everything and then I was finally released on Saturday.  I was under strict bedrest orders.

Problem with bedrest when your husband has to work..is I still had to get myself things to eat, or make dinner.  But I am so grateful for Dr's who were willing to get me the care I needed immediately.  Our boys were under great care!

I Love It When We're Cruising Together

Even though we knew I would be pregnant, and we weren't entirely sure how my pregnancy would go, Zach and I booked a 7 day cruise to Mexico.  It was pretty much a last "hurrah" for the two of us before the babies arrive.  But my pregnancy was great, and we go the clearance from my OB/GYN to travel.  I wasn't sick during my pregnancy, but I did have a bad food aversion.  I learned that the smell of food would make me have no appetite.  So if I made something for dinner, all the time it was cooking, and I could smell it, I wouldn't want to eat it by the time it was done.  So I was living off of Snickers bars and Ensure. 

When I was told that that was my problem, I started going to get something to eat at a fast food place, and eat it as fast as possible before I wasn't hungry anymore. I was so paranoid that I wouldn't give the babies enough nutrients, but I was pretty sure I was getting atleast something from the Ensure and my prenatal vitamins.

So on the cruise, I pretty much lived off of french fries and steak! haha That was one of the benefits of  being on a cruise and having food 24/7 available.  It was a great trip for Zach and I.  And something I enjoyed while pregnant.  I never got seasick.  But we never took full advantage of all that the ship had to offer.  I was so tired that I would want to be in bed by 8pm and all the comedy shows or any show started later in the evening.  So I watched a lot of TV or slept.  Zach did go enjoy himself in the casino though.  And made a few friends.

I loved showing off my, very tiny, baby bump.  But more than anything, it just looked like I had too much to eat.  The only time I recognized that I had any issue was walking through Mazatlan.  There wasn't much to do there.  We walked through the town and I was tired quickly.  So we would stop to rest every once in a while.  And I noticed my fingers starting to swell, so I had to chug some water to hydrate myself.  They returned to normal quickly, but it didn't take long for us before we returned to the boat to just hang out by the pool.

We met this cute little couple at dinner one night.  They overheard us talking about how expensive the drinks were.  I usually resorted to drinking lemonade, since it was pretty much all I drank.  But they were avid cruisers and told us that we could bring any amount of drinks or snacks on the ship.  So they usually bring a few cases of soda and snacks to go back to their room and veg.  We also told them how we just found out we were having sweet little twin boys, and they told us they had twin boys too!!  It was pretty exciting to be sharing that with them!  Plus, it's always fun to brag about our babies!!

Boy. Girl. Twins. Alien

I knew from before we got pregnant that I wanted to have a secret gender reveal.  I had mentioned it to my sweet friend, Kelly Peterson, and she offered right away to throw one for us.  From the moment we found out we were pregnant with twins, I was convinced it was twin girls.  From my easy symptoms being similar to other people who had girls, I had convinced myself right away.  And because of my feelings, I think I had Zach convinced as well. 

When we were finding out the gender, I had both my regular OB/GYN appointment and my high-risk appointment a day apart.  So I planned to get them both to write down the genders for me, just to be positive.  I had Dr. Ngo write it down first, and I gave that envelope to Kelly.  She immediately checked it, then started crying.  Of course I was emotional, but it just made her happy.  But because she had seen Dr. Ngo for June, and was originally told she was having a boy, she wanted me to get a second opinion from my high risk dr.  After my high risk appointment, I took over that envelope and she ensured me that both drs said the same thing.

We had the gender reveal at our friend, Jaime Bell's house.  We had a lot of people show up!!  It was so great!  The Bells, Peterson, Higgins, Kramers, McCulloughs, Russells, Amanda Smith, and Valene Harris.  Kelly handed people silly string cans to spray at us after we did the last baby reveal.

Kelly also decided that she wanted to do the gender reveal one at a time, so that it was apparent each baby was an individual.  I thought that was really nice of her.  She handed me a cannister of confetti to pop open.  I put one hand on top, and one hand on bottom to twist... our first baby is a BOY!!!  I was in complete shock!! A boy?  I was so sure it was a girl!!  Ok, so the next one must be a girl.  I'm gonna have a boy and a girl.  Zach was handed the second cannister.  He twisted..and again, BLUE confetti!  Two BOYS!!! Everyone started spraying us with blue silly string! There was blue confetti everywhere!!

It was so much to take in, and seriously, such a surprise!!  I was so emotional!!  And so excited, but I had my mind so set on girls it took me a minute to adjust to having two boys!! But I was so stinking excited!!!

Kelly gave us a pair of these super sweet little boy shoes.  I am so grateful I get to be the mother of these sweet little boys!! 

Twins

I drove down to Beverly Hills for an ultrasound to see how things were going. I had my labs drawn and a quick ultrasound.  I was a little curious to see if we had any embryos split or anything.  But Dr. Surrey had to be the one to do the ultrasound, that way he could relay any important information.  When the image came up on the screen, I could see these two little black blobs.  I jokingly said, "well I know there's not 4!" and he responded with, "well there's not one either."  His sense of humor is really hard for emotional/hormonal women.  Because my heart sank a little!  For a brief second I dreaded having to go through the whole process over to try again.  Then he said, "because there are TWO." 

I can't even being to explain how happy I was to know we were having twins.  As soon as I left the office, I sent Zach ultrasound pictures and gave him a call.  We are so excited!!  We just love our little jelly beans!!