Tender Mercy

It's amazing how much the little things mean so much when you are stressed out.  When we moved on base we opted out of having our backyard mowed by the landscaping company because of our dogs.  So I would go out and mow when I got a chance.  But since Denver died, we haven't really needed to do it ourselves.

Once the weather started to get a little warmer, I decided to start pulling the weeds and reseeding the yard so that we could get the yard ready and usable.  But I would spend my days off pulling weeds, and then two days later the weeds would be back... and double the amount.  I would pull weeds again, and the same thing... a couple days later they would be back and even more!!  I went and bought weed spray and spent time spraying the weeds, but it never killed them.  Instead, I would look at the backyard and those weeds were, well, growing like weeds!!

So yesterday, with Zach being gone, and just feeling overwhelmed, I finally called the landscaping company and had them put our names back on the mow list.  I was a little worried I would get chewed out for having our yard look as bad as it does, but I mentioned that Zach is deployed and I just really need help.

Today, I got a call at work from the girl I spoke to yesterday.  She left a message but told me that the landscapers came and mowed and sprayed the weeds.  But that next week, they will come and clean up all the weeds.  I literally started to tear up.  I called her back just to say "thank you!"  It's really silly how that means so much, but I feel like ever since Zach left so much has piled up and instead of having him here to help me through it, I am alone.  And I haven't quite figured out how to cope with all this...especially alone.

Utah

So I was able to go to Utah last weekend to witness the baptism of Cole and Ella, and also to witness Tyler receive the Aaronic priesthood.  It was such a special weekend, and I am so proud of them and their righteous desires.  I love those kids so much and feel so grateful to have such a special relationship with them. I am also grateful to have had a weekend to be with my family.  It was much needed and always a good time.

                                                    

                                                    

MRI

So the Monday after Zach left, I received a call from my Dr. telling me that when they had done the HSS exam he had found a "marker" and they needed me to go in for an MRI.  Luckily I was able to get an MRI scheduled for the following Thursday, after work, but before I headed to Utah for the weekend.  But on the referral, under "reason for exam" was written "adenomyosis."  So not wanting to look up too much online, but atleast wanting to know what it was, I searched it.

Basically it's a condition where there's a thickening of the uterine wall, that causes infertility and miscarriages.  Meaning, that if we had implanted I may not ever be able to get pregnant.  I knew I wouldn't get results until after the weekend, so I had all weekend that I was just storing up more and more nervousness and anxiety about the results.  And in all honesty, I had a lot of anger building up.  If I couldn't get pregnant at all, why didn't they do this test before I had my egg retrieval?  If I needed to get a surrogate, and pay extra money, why wasn't I given the option to invest our original expenses into adoption instead of creating embryos that I wouldn't be able to carry anyway?

I was already stressed out because of the extra money that keeps adding on, but not knowing the results of the MRI scared the crap out of me!!  I spent the weekend in Utah, so that was able to help keep my mind off everything, but once I had to drive back to CA and I was in a car by myself for 3 hours, my mind was spinning to a ton of different conclusions.  And I was not doing well.

On Tuesday, I got home from work and went straight to my room and grabbed my patriarchal blessing.  And though it says one thing, I was starting to doubt that it was true.  If my MRI results came back bad, I was really starting to question my faith.  In the priesthood, in my patriarchal blessing, in trying to make good choices.  I reread what it says on motherhood over and over again, and realized I just needed to be patient and faithful, and know that things will work out.

About an hour later, my Dr called to tell me the results. He told me that the MRI showed that I don't have adenomyosis (phew) but that I have uterine fibroids (benign tumors), and I need to have a hysteroscopy to have them removed.  I still felt a little nervous, but more so relieved that it's still possible to have children.  I also texted my sisters right away, and learned that Mel had some too and had to have them removed.  And she has 3 awesome kids.  So it really gave me some peace of mind.

I feel like this last week has just been bad news after bad news.  And being home alone now, with limited time to actually talk to Zach, I've really been in a bad place.  Just trying to figure it out but not really having anyone to talk to.  I've continued to read my scriptures and say my prayers.  It's really the only thing I can do.  Even though sometimes my faith is tested, I am grateful for the gospel foundation I do have that keeps me grounded and I can keep doing the simple things that help me grow.

Depart

How do I even begin this post?  This past week was one of the hardest weeks I've had to experience.  Our last day together, we went to a Dr. appointment for more blood work and they decided while I was there to do another HSS exam.  So I stayed for that and then they wrote up my next round of Rx's.  We picked up those and dropped another butt load of money on that! It makes me sick watching the $$ signs rise.

But with as much stress as that causes, I really had to not focus on it for the day since it was my last day with Zach before he left for his deployment.  We had plans to go to The Broad museum, but since it was raining, we realized quickly that everyone would be at a museum in LA, especially once we saw the line wrapped around the building.  So we just went and got lunch at Jessica Biel's new restaurant Au Fudge, in Beverly Hills.  It was super cute with really yummy food.  And we couldn't check in our hotel until 3pm, so we killed time by wandering around Target and Ross.

Since it was raining, we contemplated going to a movie or doing something for our last night together, but ultimately just ended up ordering pizza and watching movies in our hotel room.  It was perfect, actually.  Zach and I really do just enjoy spending time together.

I dropped him off at LAX super early in the morning, then went back to my hotel to sleep for a little before driving home.  I really did do well until I got back to Edwards.  Then I completely lost it!!  And when I finally felt ok, it was time to go to bed...alone. And I lost it again!!  Rockie noticed me sobbing, so he came up right in my face to check on me.  I guess I am atleast lucky I have a little dog to keep me company.