MRI

So the Monday after Zach left, I received a call from my Dr. telling me that when they had done the HSS exam he had found a "marker" and they needed me to go in for an MRI.  Luckily I was able to get an MRI scheduled for the following Thursday, after work, but before I headed to Utah for the weekend.  But on the referral, under "reason for exam" was written "adenomyosis."  So not wanting to look up too much online, but atleast wanting to know what it was, I searched it.

Basically it's a condition where there's a thickening of the uterine wall, that causes infertility and miscarriages.  Meaning, that if we had implanted I may not ever be able to get pregnant.  I knew I wouldn't get results until after the weekend, so I had all weekend that I was just storing up more and more nervousness and anxiety about the results.  And in all honesty, I had a lot of anger building up.  If I couldn't get pregnant at all, why didn't they do this test before I had my egg retrieval?  If I needed to get a surrogate, and pay extra money, why wasn't I given the option to invest our original expenses into adoption instead of creating embryos that I wouldn't be able to carry anyway?

I was already stressed out because of the extra money that keeps adding on, but not knowing the results of the MRI scared the crap out of me!!  I spent the weekend in Utah, so that was able to help keep my mind off everything, but once I had to drive back to CA and I was in a car by myself for 3 hours, my mind was spinning to a ton of different conclusions.  And I was not doing well.

On Tuesday, I got home from work and went straight to my room and grabbed my patriarchal blessing.  And though it says one thing, I was starting to doubt that it was true.  If my MRI results came back bad, I was really starting to question my faith.  In the priesthood, in my patriarchal blessing, in trying to make good choices.  I reread what it says on motherhood over and over again, and realized I just needed to be patient and faithful, and know that things will work out.

About an hour later, my Dr called to tell me the results. He told me that the MRI showed that I don't have adenomyosis (phew) but that I have uterine fibroids (benign tumors), and I need to have a hysteroscopy to have them removed.  I still felt a little nervous, but more so relieved that it's still possible to have children.  I also texted my sisters right away, and learned that Mel had some too and had to have them removed.  And she has 3 awesome kids.  So it really gave me some peace of mind.

I feel like this last week has just been bad news after bad news.  And being home alone now, with limited time to actually talk to Zach, I've really been in a bad place.  Just trying to figure it out but not really having anyone to talk to.  I've continued to read my scriptures and say my prayers.  It's really the only thing I can do.  Even though sometimes my faith is tested, I am grateful for the gospel foundation I do have that keeps me grounded and I can keep doing the simple things that help me grow.

Depart

How do I even begin this post?  This past week was one of the hardest weeks I've had to experience.  Our last day together, we went to a Dr. appointment for more blood work and they decided while I was there to do another HSS exam.  So I stayed for that and then they wrote up my next round of Rx's.  We picked up those and dropped another butt load of money on that! It makes me sick watching the $$ signs rise.

But with as much stress as that causes, I really had to not focus on it for the day since it was my last day with Zach before he left for his deployment.  We had plans to go to The Broad museum, but since it was raining, we realized quickly that everyone would be at a museum in LA, especially once we saw the line wrapped around the building.  So we just went and got lunch at Jessica Biel's new restaurant Au Fudge, in Beverly Hills.  It was super cute with really yummy food.  And we couldn't check in our hotel until 3pm, so we killed time by wandering around Target and Ross.

Since it was raining, we contemplated going to a movie or doing something for our last night together, but ultimately just ended up ordering pizza and watching movies in our hotel room.  It was perfect, actually.  Zach and I really do just enjoy spending time together.

I dropped him off at LAX super early in the morning, then went back to my hotel to sleep for a little before driving home.  I really did do well until I got back to Edwards.  Then I completely lost it!!  And when I finally felt ok, it was time to go to bed...alone. And I lost it again!!  Rockie noticed me sobbing, so he came up right in my face to check on me.  I guess I am atleast lucky I have a little dog to keep me company.
                                              

Update

Back at the doctor this morning for another ultrasound and blood work.  My hormone levels are going down, my ovaries are back to normal, but they found a pocket of fluid tucked back behind my liver causing the shortness of breath.  So to be safe they had me go do a chest X-Ray at an imaging place around the corner.  The silly dr only read "hyperstimulation" on my order so he did an ultrasound, and goes, "looks like you should get a chest Xray."  So i laughed and told him that's why I was there.  I definitely wasn't mad because an ultrasound isn't harmful, but I just thought he was doing precautionary stuff, so I let him do it.  But funny fact, he was the guy who developed the transvaginal ultrasound anyway haha.

But the chest Xray didn't show anything bad, just the fluid and they told me it should go away.  I should be drinking more water, instead of the cream soda I've been chugging.

But fun news is we have 8 embryos!! Scares me a bit, but such a relief we have such a strong number.

After such a long day at the dr, we went to try food at a place we found watching Diners, Drive-In's, and Dives, called Fat Sal's and it did not disappoint!

OHSS

So my surgery went well.  They got 34 follicles retrieved.  Then we got home...

I started out doing well, but when I woke up the next morning...I was having a hard time breathing, standing up straight, I was feeling nauseas.  I feel like the list can go on.  After my blessing from Zach and Joe, I knew I was going to get through this, but I wasn't sure how long it would last.  I sort of hoped it was just a day thing.

It wasn't.  So what ended up happening after retrieving the follicles is the space that is left can start to fill up with fluid; called ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome.  It doesn't happen every time someone goes in for IVF treatments, but because my body had responded so quickly to all the injections, it ended up happening to me.  Sometimes the fluid travels to more than the ovaries, and I was lucky enough to start getting fluid up in my upper right quadrant of my chest involving my kidney and liver; which was making it hard to breath.  I coudn't eat a bite of food without feeling like I had just run a marathon.  I could only sleep or lay on my back, which is hard for me being a side/belly sleeper.  It hurt so much if I turned onto my side, almost like my rib was stabbing into my lungs.

I also couldn't keep any food down.  Almost to the point I just became afraid to eat, in fear of throwing it up.  It was easier just to prevent that by not eating.  Even without eating I felt bloated, which I guess makes sense if your ovaries are full of fluid.  My tummy was very tender and everytime Rockie felt the need to climb on my lap, it was on my belly!! He got yelled at quite a few times.

By Day 5, which was Sunday, I was just so miserable that I just told Zach I could handle this if bedtime came quicker and I could sleep it off.  But each morning, when I was feeling worse than I expected, it was really hard!  I sat on the bed panting, trying to catch my breath, not being able to move, and just praying i could get through the day.  But Sunday, after throwing up quite a few times, even the water I had been drinking, Zach told me we needed to go to the ER.  We contemplated it.  But because of his blessing, I knew it was just a hard thing I needed to endure, but I would make it through.

Finally Sunday night I was starting to feel much better!  To the point that I told Zach if I could just wake up Monday morning, atleast feeling that good, I could handle it all.  Luckily, Monday I woke up feeling so much better!  Not nauseas, and I could stand up straight! I had another ultrasound and blood work done.  The ultrasound showed there is still fluid and my blood work showed that my hormone levels had not gone down over the weekend.  They gave me another rx for more injections to get them down, and I go back tomorrow.

I am feeling so much better!  I can't get off the couch without feeling like i just ran a marathon and panting like crazy, but compared to how I felt, this is nothing!  But I can honestly say, I will never do a fresh cycle of IVF again.  Whatever frozen embryos we have and take, I will be grateful for.  If, for whatever reason they don't take, I won't try to do this again.  I will come to terms with not having my own babies, and I will adopt and be happy with it.  I am usually strong, with a high pain tolerance, but this hyper stimulation really made me turn weak

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This has been a trial that has been amazing for me and Zach.  I will never take this time and experience forgranted.  It's actually been really nice to cuddle all day and watch lots of tv!

All in a Week's Work

We started my injections.  One easy one in the morning, so I thought, “this isn’t so bad!”  Then the night time injection came and I wanted to bite Zach’s ear off from the amount of burning I felt in my lower belly.  But in general, it didn’t last long, so it is a price I am willing to pay.  The injections haven’t been too bad.  I guess I was expecting more bloating and to be a lot more cranky.  But I am usually bloated J and usually cranky.  So it all worked out.  I had to drive down to Beverly Hills on Wednesday and Friday for an ultrasound.  Boy are those little follicles not so little!  It’s fun to see what two days worth of injections will do to their growth. 

Because they were growing so fast and the injections were doing their job, I got to have my retrieval earlier than our schedule estimated.  I went back in for ultrasounds Sunday and Monday and Tuesday and then Wednesday (Mar.16)… retrieval day!

I wasn’t feeling too bad after retrieval.  My nurse was amazing! And they were able to retrieve 34 eggs!  Not too shabby.

We got some café rio on our way home, then zach moved our guest bed mattress into the living room and we just slumber partied it out.  We watched a lot of Gotham on Netflix and my diet was strictly double stuf oreos and milk… and a side of Gatorade. 

Thursday day wasn’t too bad.  I continued to lay around watching tv, but toward the afternoon I felt more full and bloated than normal.  My back ached and I couldn’t catch my breath.  We had another appointment this morning, and I really thought I wasn’t going to catch my breath.  I was feeling nauseas, and luckily because Zach’s phone showed him a different route, we had gotten off the freeway at the time I needed him to pull over for me to throw up in the gutter. 

Our appointment went well.  They did an ultrasound and I could see the dark spots,(fluid) in my liver and around my ovaries verifying that I had in fact gotten hyperstimulated.  Not a cool feeling at all! 

We won't be doing the transfer until the end of April, beginning of May, time frame.  Which would mean that Zach is going to be gone.  But that’s a fun story for our children later.

I got home and we put as many pillows on the bed as we could and napped for a couple hours.  I am so utterly out of breath and nauseas that I can’t stand it.  We had a family friend, Joe Peterson, come over and help Zach give me a blessing.  This trial right now is hard!  I am not even pregnant.  But to anybody who can get pregnant naturally, I don’t ever want to hear them complain.  This whole IVF process is pure hell.  And I know that when it’s all said and done, I will be grateful for this.  But for now, I’m just trying to survive.

I also can’t forget to express my absolute gratitude to Zach for all he does for me.  He has been my rock and my greatest support through all of this.  He has been so willing to do anything I’ve needed and really take care of me.  I feel so blessed and so much more in love with him now than ever. 

Life Lessons

As we are preparing to start our fertility treatment, Zach and I realized we could have a baby already.  It’s been at least 9 months, and while I’ll never know a due date, we can’t help but think that we could be in the early stages of sleepless nights.  And then we think, how could we have had a miscarriage if my tubes are blocked?  How is that even possible?  

I don’t know that I will ever understand how, but I do know that if we didn’t have a miscarriage I wouldn’t have been as persistent in this whole process.  After having the miscarriage, and having people tell us “it’s not the right time,” I felt so strongly in my heart I needed to keep going!  I’ve had some pretty amazing impressions and promptings from the Holy Ghost.  I am so grateful to know that Zach and I are lead daily through our faith and trust in God.  We have an amazing life and family in store for us and they are in a hurry to get to us.  

That's Where I Want to Be

Luckily the day after I found out Balboa wasn’t an option, I was able to get a new referral right away to another fertility clinic. The one our insurance referred us to is right down in Beverly Hills, which means that we are closer to home.  We can get there in a few hours and if I need to make the drive alone, I can manage. 

We had our initial appointment with our doctor and we both are really excited about him.  He is top rated in the nation, works in some of the top hospitals in LA and did his fertility studies in London where the first “test tube baby” was made(??) 

As amazing as it is to have modern medicine, and be able to still get pregnant with science, I still feel guilty that I can’t get pregnant naturally.  And I feel guilty that we have to pay a lot of money that others don’t have to, to get pregnant.  We’ve had mixed emotions about getting pregnant and trying to get through this process before Zach leaves. 

Are we putting too much pressure on ourselves?  When I look at everything that has happened, I could still be blindly trying clomid.  I could have been with a doctor that never recommended a HSG.  I could be waiting on Balboa.  But we are where we are for a reason.  I felt strongly to switch doctors, who recommended a test to diagnose why I wasn’t getting pregnant.  And when Balboa fell through, we got into this new fertility clinic right away, with a perfect amount of time to get a cycle done before Zach leaves.  How divinely designed is everything? 

I’m not ever saying that I have been really happy about the situation, but I can tell you it’s so much easier to look back and realize that there is a plan for us.  And everything that has happened, has happened for a reason.  Zach and I continue to grow stronger and stronger everyday.  And when I have a hard day, he will grab me and sweetly say,  “you worry about being healthy and stress free, and I will worry about the rest.”