That's Where I Want to Be

Luckily the day after I found out Balboa wasn’t an option, I was able to get a new referral right away to another fertility clinic. The one our insurance referred us to is right down in Beverly Hills, which means that we are closer to home.  We can get there in a few hours and if I need to make the drive alone, I can manage. 

We had our initial appointment with our doctor and we both are really excited about him.  He is top rated in the nation, works in some of the top hospitals in LA and did his fertility studies in London where the first “test tube baby” was made(??) 

As amazing as it is to have modern medicine, and be able to still get pregnant with science, I still feel guilty that I can’t get pregnant naturally.  And I feel guilty that we have to pay a lot of money that others don’t have to, to get pregnant.  We’ve had mixed emotions about getting pregnant and trying to get through this process before Zach leaves. 

Are we putting too much pressure on ourselves?  When I look at everything that has happened, I could still be blindly trying clomid.  I could have been with a doctor that never recommended a HSG.  I could be waiting on Balboa.  But we are where we are for a reason.  I felt strongly to switch doctors, who recommended a test to diagnose why I wasn’t getting pregnant.  And when Balboa fell through, we got into this new fertility clinic right away, with a perfect amount of time to get a cycle done before Zach leaves.  How divinely designed is everything? 

I’m not ever saying that I have been really happy about the situation, but I can tell you it’s so much easier to look back and realize that there is a plan for us.  And everything that has happened, has happened for a reason.  Zach and I continue to grow stronger and stronger everyday.  And when I have a hard day, he will grab me and sweetly say,  “you worry about being healthy and stress free, and I will worry about the rest.”

The Results are In

Test results.  My doctor chose the most inopportune time to call and tell me the results of the HSG test.  I was in Dallas watching Ethan, Matt and Emery while Jill and Rob were in Florida.  I had all these fun plans to do with the kids.  We were gonna build forts and go to the park or zoo.  I was going to be fun aunt Krista. 

I am just glad I heard my phone ring.  The kids like to play games on my phone, and I let them.  I was also jet-lagged and wanted to lay down for a minute while the kids played in the other room, (I know, fun aunt Krista).  But then I heard my phone ring and I ran to find it before I missed the call.  I barely got it in time. 

My doctor was on the other end of the line.  He gave me the news very bluntly.  I didn’t really even have enough time to register the results.  “I am sorry to tell you both of your tubes are completely blocked.  There is a procedure you can do to have them unblocked, but the chances of them becoming clear are slim.  I would recommend doing IVF treatments to get pregnant. “ 

I was kind of prepared for those words.   After all, I could see that the dye didn’t spread.  I just had a tiny bit of hope that I saw wrong.  Then I got a huge punch to the stomach.   I felt nauseas.  I felt like I had let my husband down.  I had let myself down.  I am not capable of doing my divine womanly duties naturally and that was going to be a huge trial for me and Zach.  Not only that, but how are we ever going to be able to pay for IVF!! I know that it’s not cheap, and we don’t just have stacks of money sitting around.  If only!

And if that wasn’t enough bad news, I decided to call and follow up about Balboa.  I had just learned that the only way of getting pregnant was through IVF and I only have 3 months to get things going, or else this was all for nothing.  I called Balboa and they didn’t have my referral.  So I called the referral girl on base and she told me that they had sent the referral but would call balboa for me and get the fax number to resend the referral.  When I talked to her again, she told me that Balboa had actually received our referral 3 weeks ago! But instead of telling me they weren’t taking any more patients, they just told me that they didn’t get my referral!

So now I was told that my tubes are a piece of crap, and the place we were going to have lined up for fertility was not an option all in one day.   But, I was spending my week with 3 little people who didn’t know what I was going through, or that I was hurting in the first place.  I needed to forget myself and enjoy them.  So I did.  We had picnics on the living room floor, played hide and go seek, went to the park, and just reminded me that I am fun Aunt Krista.

HSG

That test was hell!  I had heard mixed reviews.  One friend told me there was a little pressure but it didn’t hurt at all.  A couple other friends told me it was some of the worst pain they had ever felt.  So I went in thinking it was just going to give off a little bit of pressure.  Boy was I wrong.  I was in so much pain and trying to breath through the pain.  They had me flip side to side, while I was trying to keep my breathing under control and watch the screen at the same time.  I could see that the dye wasn’t spreading.  I was cheering on the dye on my head, “spread dye, spread!”  They had explained what the test was supposed to reveal.  I could clearly see that it was not doing the right thing.  Ultimately I started hyperventilating and they stopped the procedure.  Worried that I had messed up the test, I asked if they had gotten everything they needed.  With sad faces, the nurse and doctor involved told me they got what they needed but were worried about me. 

When I was leaving the nurse apologized to me.  I took Zach’s hand as we walked out.  I explained what happened during the test and couldn’t help but focus on the fact that the nurse had apologized to me.  Was she apologizing because I was in so much pain?  Or was it because she knew from the results that there was not any good news? 

I really wanted to believe that the dye had spread.  I must have just not gotten a good enough look.  Everything was fine!  My tubes were clear and I just needed to try clomid a little more with some monitoring.  After all, I am supposed to have lots of children.  It’s what I live for.  There’s no way I will have trouble getting pregnant.

Let’s be real.  I got in the car and bawled.  I was broken.  I saw that the dye hadn’t spread.  I was feeling so much guilt and sadness.  I was letting my husband down.  And I was scared. 

Moving Forward

While being the smart people we are, and before getting me all involved in doing fertility treatments, we decided to go ahead and test Zach.  He made an appointment with our family practioner on base to get a referral for a semen analysis.  When he told her the situation with us and our family history, so she suggested we try to get a referral and appointment at a military fertility treatment center San Diego.  How lucky could we get if we got in?!  I mean, of all the places we had gotten stationed at, we are only a few hours from San Diego, and if the military will pay for it, then it's worth the drive!!

In the midst of Zach getting checked and getting a little knowledge about Balboa, I switched Dr’s!! The new Dr immediately ordered me a hysterosalphingram.  It’s a test that they shoot up some dye and use an Xray to see if my tubes are blocked.  He told me there was no use in clomid if my tubes are blocked. Of course by the time I got my appointment with my new doctor, the timing was bad to get my HSG scheduled, so I have to wait a whole month.  It’s a little stressful because I feel like we are moving forward, but Zach is leaving, and a month is a huge amount of time to lose.

Deployment

I am lucky enough to have married an amazing man.  A man who would do absolutely anything for me to make our life great.  We had talked a little bit about him getting a second job.  Even though I had gotten a job at the hospital, I still only work per diem.  And with the holidays coming and it being the end of the year, I get to be lucky enough to be flexed the most.  My paychecks have started looking a little sad. 

Deep down, Zach and I feel like maybe it’s going to take a little more than clomid to get us pregnant.  So Zach asked at work if he could get a second job to pay for any extra fertility expenses that may come up. 

I got a call at work one Friday and he told me he had asked to get a second job and they counter offered with a deployment opportunity in UAE.  I didn’t feel horrible about it, but I had to tell him what I felt right then and there.  I was in a drive through and between ordering my food and picking up my food, we had made the decision that he would take the deployment.  He leaves between March and April and would make a little more money each month to help out with fertility.

Although I didn’t feel like his deployment is a bad idea, I can tell you that I definitely am not very excited for it.  He was gone between September and November in Mississippi for more training and that felt like forever.  Now a 6 month deployment in the middle east and I can’t even visit.  It will feel like eternity.  But most important, I am grateful for Zach and his sacrifices for us.  I know that deployments are part of military life, it’s what I signed up for.  I am just grateful to know where he is going will be safe

TDY

Zach left to Mississippi last month to do more training at Keesler AFB.   I think it's a total of 14 weeks that he is doing upgrade training, which means I am home alone with two dogs for 2.5 months.  The first weekend was really sad.  My hormones are all jacked up, and I wouldn't be surprised if I was pregnant again.  Part of me thinks I have been pregnant a few times and honestly can't stay pregnant.  I've had the discussion with a friend of mine and wouldn't be surprised if i have lots of babies in heaven I never meet during this lifetime.

I started my first round of clomid since Zach is gone.  My dr thinks that it may help get my body to start regulating ovulation since I was supposed to track my ovulation last month and there was no sign.  So when I do my second round of clomid, I will see Zach and we can try to get pregnant again.  I'm being hopeful, and know that our time is soon.  It's definitely been a trial of our faith, and Zach seems to have a lot more faith than me.  He always says the right thing when I am having a hard day.  I just never want to hear it!! :P The clomid has been making me way more emotional than needed.  haha.  I cry over everything!

Today at work I had to assist in a suction D&C.  The unfortunate thing is that the patient had already been in a couple weeks ago but that dr didn't get the complete fetus.  So today, I wasn't entirely expecting this, but  he sucked out a huge mass of the fetus and I had to grab it.  It was the size of a golf ball, and I couldn't help but be confused as to why people don't believe in the miracle of life at conception.  

The creation of life is a miracle.  It truly is amazing that a baby can form and all the right parts grow in all the right places.  It is a true testimony of God and His love for us!

A couple weeks ago in church, I looked behind me at a baby in her father's lap.  She was looking me straight in the eyes and I had this overwhelming thought "just be patient, your time is soon."  It was like she was an angel baby telling me to hang in there.  I try to be normal and keep it all to myself.  Zach is really the only one who knows how I feel.  

I am really blessed to have him.  There's no better person for me, and to go through all this with.  I know we are growing so much stronger and our desire for kids grows more and more each day.  I look forward to watching him be a dad.  He will be really good and so sweet at it! And I look forward to meeting our babies and getting to love them.  I can't imagine anything greater in the world. 

On Base

I don't know why it takes me so long between journal entries.  I used to be so great! Now I am slight disappointed with myself.  But I need to make a goal to write more.

So a few months ago, our lease was up on our rental house and we were toying with the idea of moving on base.  We were so up in the air because I was the primary President and only been in that calling for 6 months.  We had talked to our bishop about it, in the event that we did move on base, he wouldn't be blindsided.  Especially since both of my counselors were moving out also.  We didn't feel any strong impression to move on base, and were completely fine staying in our home.  

A few weeks later, we started having issues with our landlord/rental company.  They were giving us trouble for our dogs and the grass being dead in the front yard.   So being fed up with them, we decided it wouldn't hurt to apply for base housing, and then make that decision once we crossed that bridge.  Also, during the 4th of July we had gone on base for the fireworks, and I just realized I have never felt like I've truly been an air force wife.  I wanted to!  So the following Friday, after the 4th of July, we had gotten all our paperwork ready and submitted to the housing office.  Expecting a few weeks to hear back from them, we were surprised by a phone call the following Monday with a house available and ready for move in in two weeks!! Zach went ahead and checked it out and we decided to act on it!!

I was super sad to let our bishop and ward know we were moving, but felt a great reassurance it was the right thing to do.  We moved on base July 31 and started our new ward, and it has been such a blessing!  The extra money that came in for the move is helping us pay for my new car registration and taxes.  And I was also called to serve as a young women's advisor!  I am super excited about that!  Zach has been able to get to know many men in the ward also serving in the Air Force and getting advice about going to school.  

I am excited about this part of our life and being able to meet new and young people in the same walk of life with us.  Such a blessing, and we are grateful that Heavenly Father got us where we need to be.