Moving Forward

While being the smart people we are, and before getting me all involved in doing fertility treatments, we decided to go ahead and test Zach.  He made an appointment with our family practioner on base to get a referral for a semen analysis.  When he told her the situation with us and our family history, so she suggested we try to get a referral and appointment at a military fertility treatment center San Diego.  How lucky could we get if we got in?!  I mean, of all the places we had gotten stationed at, we are only a few hours from San Diego, and if the military will pay for it, then it's worth the drive!!

In the midst of Zach getting checked and getting a little knowledge about Balboa, I switched Dr’s!! The new Dr immediately ordered me a hysterosalphingram.  It’s a test that they shoot up some dye and use an Xray to see if my tubes are blocked.  He told me there was no use in clomid if my tubes are blocked. Of course by the time I got my appointment with my new doctor, the timing was bad to get my HSG scheduled, so I have to wait a whole month.  It’s a little stressful because I feel like we are moving forward, but Zach is leaving, and a month is a huge amount of time to lose.

Deployment

I am lucky enough to have married an amazing man.  A man who would do absolutely anything for me to make our life great.  We had talked a little bit about him getting a second job.  Even though I had gotten a job at the hospital, I still only work per diem.  And with the holidays coming and it being the end of the year, I get to be lucky enough to be flexed the most.  My paychecks have started looking a little sad. 

Deep down, Zach and I feel like maybe it’s going to take a little more than clomid to get us pregnant.  So Zach asked at work if he could get a second job to pay for any extra fertility expenses that may come up. 

I got a call at work one Friday and he told me he had asked to get a second job and they counter offered with a deployment opportunity in UAE.  I didn’t feel horrible about it, but I had to tell him what I felt right then and there.  I was in a drive through and between ordering my food and picking up my food, we had made the decision that he would take the deployment.  He leaves between March and April and would make a little more money each month to help out with fertility.

Although I didn’t feel like his deployment is a bad idea, I can tell you that I definitely am not very excited for it.  He was gone between September and November in Mississippi for more training and that felt like forever.  Now a 6 month deployment in the middle east and I can’t even visit.  It will feel like eternity.  But most important, I am grateful for Zach and his sacrifices for us.  I know that deployments are part of military life, it’s what I signed up for.  I am just grateful to know where he is going will be safe

TDY

Zach left to Mississippi last month to do more training at Keesler AFB.   I think it's a total of 14 weeks that he is doing upgrade training, which means I am home alone with two dogs for 2.5 months.  The first weekend was really sad.  My hormones are all jacked up, and I wouldn't be surprised if I was pregnant again.  Part of me thinks I have been pregnant a few times and honestly can't stay pregnant.  I've had the discussion with a friend of mine and wouldn't be surprised if i have lots of babies in heaven I never meet during this lifetime.

I started my first round of clomid since Zach is gone.  My dr thinks that it may help get my body to start regulating ovulation since I was supposed to track my ovulation last month and there was no sign.  So when I do my second round of clomid, I will see Zach and we can try to get pregnant again.  I'm being hopeful, and know that our time is soon.  It's definitely been a trial of our faith, and Zach seems to have a lot more faith than me.  He always says the right thing when I am having a hard day.  I just never want to hear it!! :P The clomid has been making me way more emotional than needed.  haha.  I cry over everything!

Today at work I had to assist in a suction D&C.  The unfortunate thing is that the patient had already been in a couple weeks ago but that dr didn't get the complete fetus.  So today, I wasn't entirely expecting this, but  he sucked out a huge mass of the fetus and I had to grab it.  It was the size of a golf ball, and I couldn't help but be confused as to why people don't believe in the miracle of life at conception.  

The creation of life is a miracle.  It truly is amazing that a baby can form and all the right parts grow in all the right places.  It is a true testimony of God and His love for us!

A couple weeks ago in church, I looked behind me at a baby in her father's lap.  She was looking me straight in the eyes and I had this overwhelming thought "just be patient, your time is soon."  It was like she was an angel baby telling me to hang in there.  I try to be normal and keep it all to myself.  Zach is really the only one who knows how I feel.  

I am really blessed to have him.  There's no better person for me, and to go through all this with.  I know we are growing so much stronger and our desire for kids grows more and more each day.  I look forward to watching him be a dad.  He will be really good and so sweet at it! And I look forward to meeting our babies and getting to love them.  I can't imagine anything greater in the world. 

On Base

I don't know why it takes me so long between journal entries.  I used to be so great! Now I am slight disappointed with myself.  But I need to make a goal to write more.

So a few months ago, our lease was up on our rental house and we were toying with the idea of moving on base.  We were so up in the air because I was the primary President and only been in that calling for 6 months.  We had talked to our bishop about it, in the event that we did move on base, he wouldn't be blindsided.  Especially since both of my counselors were moving out also.  We didn't feel any strong impression to move on base, and were completely fine staying in our home.  

A few weeks later, we started having issues with our landlord/rental company.  They were giving us trouble for our dogs and the grass being dead in the front yard.   So being fed up with them, we decided it wouldn't hurt to apply for base housing, and then make that decision once we crossed that bridge.  Also, during the 4th of July we had gone on base for the fireworks, and I just realized I have never felt like I've truly been an air force wife.  I wanted to!  So the following Friday, after the 4th of July, we had gotten all our paperwork ready and submitted to the housing office.  Expecting a few weeks to hear back from them, we were surprised by a phone call the following Monday with a house available and ready for move in in two weeks!! Zach went ahead and checked it out and we decided to act on it!!

I was super sad to let our bishop and ward know we were moving, but felt a great reassurance it was the right thing to do.  We moved on base July 31 and started our new ward, and it has been such a blessing!  The extra money that came in for the move is helping us pay for my new car registration and taxes.  And I was also called to serve as a young women's advisor!  I am super excited about that!  Zach has been able to get to know many men in the ward also serving in the Air Force and getting advice about going to school.  

I am excited about this part of our life and being able to meet new and young people in the same walk of life with us.  Such a blessing, and we are grateful that Heavenly Father got us where we need to be.

I finally had an appointment with an OB/GYN.   Apparently it takes 3 months to get an initial appointment around this place.  So frustrating.  I liked the Dr.  I had worked with her many times, but when I went in to my appointment she had no idea who I was.  I guess I look completely different with scrubs and a mask on.  Even when I told her who I was and how I knew her, she faked a realization of who I am. 

She prescribed me clomid.  Then sent me away to come back in 3 months.  So not only did she give me a RX for crying pills, she wasn’t going to monitor me to see if it was working.  Something did not sit right with me.  I felt like I wasn’t being listened to, and also felt left in the dark with some pills to shut me up. 

After talking to a friend that had gone through similar stuff, she told me how her dr monitored her with blood tests and ultrasounds during each cycle.  I needed that! 

I need to switch doctors. I do not need to be wasting my time.  

UCLA

So yes, in the middle of my miscarriage Grandpa Bulloch had surgery.  Mom, Becca, gramma Bulloch and I drove down to UCLA Friday, June 19th.  Brent and Troy met us at the hospital where Grampa was already checked in and in a bed.  I guess the staff has certain rules about how many visitors at a time, but through the "power of the Pen" they nurse allowed us all to be in the room at the same time.

Grampa had a cancerous tumor on his parotid gland that was huge and painful.  The surgery was pretty risky, considering all the facial nerves are right there, and that he has diabetes and a bad heart.  But I had asked the ENT surgeons I work with about his surgery, Dr. Keith Blackwell, and they all said he was well known and a great surgeon.  We took turns going down to the cafeteria to eat and visit grampa.  Then after grampa went in to surgery, we went to check in to our hotel.  Roger got us rooms at a nearby hotel and our room faced directly to the LA temple. It was beautiful.

Us girls went and got lunch, then made our way back to the hospital to wait.  We sat in the hallway on some benches with Troy and Brent and watched a movie on grampa's phone.  Bruce and His Fiance, can't remember her name, came and met us and they were there briefly before the Dr came down.  The surgery lasted 3.5 hours and he told us everything went well.  He got the tumor and did a little bit of a face lift to graft that skin.  He also saved 2 of the 3 facial nerves that branched in that area.  The one he didn't save, ran directly through the tumor.  It is the  nerve that makes you grimace.  

We felt so much relief and happiness.  I knew that grampa was scared, but we feel very fortunate that the Dr was as amazing as he is.  Bruce took us out to dinner while they got grampa to his room and out of recovery.  Then we went to the hospital to check on him.  He looked so good! Roger drove up to meet us, we said a family prayer and it was a very testimony strengthening and spiritual.  

Saturday roger brought us breakfast.  we took gramma to the hospital and spent the morning in and out of the hospital visiting grampa or shopping/eating nearby.  Grampa was recovering so well that his progress we were told he could go home the following Monday, which he was. 

The priesthood is real.  The Lord makes those testaments stronger each and everyday through our experiences.  I am so grateful for a family where the gospel/priesthood is important.  I am also so grateful to have the knowledge of the gospel and do not take that for granted.  I am truly blessed.

Heartbreak

Last Week, June 18 I was at work and noticed a lot of blood in my stool.  Gross, but I was a little freaked out.  Blood in the stool is usually a really bad thing.  I asked one of my coworkers about it, she told me not to freak out but would recommend me seeing a dr.  We have GI doctors at the surgery center, so I was going to ask them, but then never got the chance.

That night my mom, Becca, and Gramma Bulloch came to stay with us so that we could drive down to LA for grampa's surgery the next day.  So Friday, the next morning, my stomach was still pretty sore and I was cramping, and I noticed a little blood, but not as much as the day before.

I talked to my mom about it and I had also had my thyroid checked on base the week before, so while waiting at the hospital before grampa's surgery, my dr on base called to let me know my thyroid results came back normal, so I told her about the blood.  She told me to make an appointment on base to have a stool sample done and make sure everything is ok.

Even though I was still very uncomfortable and sore, I decided to ride out the weekend and enjoy being in LA with my mom, Becca and other Bulloch family for grampa.

Monday Came and I had an easy day at work, so i asked the charge nurse if I could go make an appointment on base to find out what the bleeding was caused by.  I told my pcm on base what was going on, what I was feeling, and asked to do a blood pregnancy test.  I realized maybe I was pregnant and I was uncomfortable because of that.  I had some blood work done and did a stool sample and then was sent to do my thing for the week.

Thursday I was at work, and got a call from one of the nurses on base.  She told me that my pregnancy test tested positive for pregnancy but that the HCG levels seemed really low and since my last period, it should have been higher.  She told me they wanted to do an ultrasound to make sure there was no ectopic pregnancy or see if I was just early on in the pregnancy.  So I told my charge nurse what was happening and she let me leave to go do the ultrasound.  I met Zach at the clinic and we went in for the ultrasound.  The US tech was making really uncomfortable faces.  I was slightly excited then gradually nervous and sad.  After the ultrasound she told me that she needed to talk to the Dr first before she could tell me the results of the ultrasound, but since the dr's were on lunch, we would have to wait a little.  

So we went to the BX to kill time.  I was gradually starting to cramp, and it was hurting pretty bad.  I usually have pretty bad cramping during my periods and I just wanted to die!  We went in and bought me some Midol, but really just wanted to sit in the car.  I curled in a ball and rocked back and forth.  We went back to the clinic to wait on the phone call from the Dr. When the US tech finally called, she said I was good to go.  I asked her if I was supposed to be in so much pain.  She told me to wait and then she called the dr.  We waited 30 more minutes and Zach was getting impatient too.  He finally went and put my name back on the list to go back to the US tech.  She called back and told me she was sorry I was in so much pain and that she didn't see a pregnancy.  She told me the dr should have called and apologized that they hadn't.  So we started to leave and as we were getting out to the car, the RN called us back in. She was with my PCM.  They pulled us into a room and told us that because of the low levels of HCG and the fact that the US showed no pregnancy, i could be having an ectopic pregnancy.  They informed me that since I was in so much pain, to go to the ER.  

So we did, and we did all the tests again.  We did another US and more blood tests.  And we waited 4 hours for test results.  It was a very long day.  But they sent us home at about 8:30pm.  I already knew I had a miscarriage, but they still wanted me to go back 48 hours later to make sure my HCG levels went down.

They did.  We were diagnosed with a complete miscarriage.  

It's been a pretty rough week.  This was a sad day for us.  Almost excited to be pregnant, and then sad at the end of the day with a miscarriage.  Zach and I have grown a lot! We have definitely grown stronger and closer.  I am grateful to be married to him and be growing through all this with him.

We have had so much love and support shown to us through our friends and family, and we definitely see The Lord's hands in all of this.  We've been told "these things happen." which they do, but it doesn't make it any easier.  

I truly feel the Lord is preparing us and my body to have a baby.  We could wait longer but I am now knowledgeable about what my body needed to have this pregnancy that will prepare me for the next one.  Unfortunately we had to learn in a rough way, but Heavenly Father needed me to know what I need to do.  So Zach and I can move forward with our growing family.

We had people tell us things like “maybe it’s not the right time” and we could easily have given up, but in my heart I just knew there was a reason.  Why would it have felt right to have a baby the months leading up to the miscarriage and then all of a sudden it wasn’t right?  I knew and felt strongly in my heart that there was more than this miscarriage.  I knew that the Lord needed me to keep trying, and that I have babies waiting for their mortal life and they were rooting me on to get some help.

Heavenly Father knows us,  There is a plan for us.  He wants us to be happy.