Declan Donald

On February 5, around 12:30am, I was woken up with a phone call from Dr. Evans telling me that Declan was showing signs of an infection and he wanted my permission to give him a spinal tap.  Earlier that week, I had a weird feeling in my throat and was worried it was something serious and chose not to go visit.  But by Thursday, I had gone in to finally hold Declan for the first time!
So when Dr. Evans called....I was so scared I somehow got Declan sick!! I called Zach after getting off the phone with Dr. Evans because I was worried I got Declan sick.  He ended up calling the NICU and finding out that it was not something I did. 
But I still struggled to fall back asleep.  By about 1:30am, Dr. Evans called back and told me I needed to get to the NICU ASAP, that Declan wasn't doing good.  I ran upstairs to wake up Rob and asked if he could drive me to the hospital.  It was the longest 20 minutes of my life!  I also, called Zach on the way, and told him to get to the hospital now!!  Rob dropped me off while he went to park, and as  I was coming up to the corner near the NICU, one of the nurses Kathy,  met me.  And it was that moment that I knew things were not good!  She grabbed me by the arm and told me, "we are going to walk in together."
We walked in, and she let me skip washing my hands.   When we walked to where the boys were, Dr Evans, Sean the RT, and a couple nurses were giving Declan CPR.  I could not believe it!!  I couldn't breathe! I couldn't stand! Kathy pulled me over to a seat, I sat for a minute feeling like I was going to throw up, but then they asked if I would like to go up to him.  I stood next to Declan and cried, "Come on Declan!"  "I'm here Declan, come on baby!"  I had asked Dr. Evans how long they had been doing CPR.  He told me 20 minutes.  And I could see on the monitor that his heart rate wasn't going up.  Dr. Evans told me that there was pretty much nothing else they could do.  Knowing that 20 minutes was a long time, on such a tiny infant, I gave them permission to stop CPR.  After they stopped, his heart rate started going up again.  I nudged the Dr, and they started CPR again but it wasn't helping.  So they stopped again, unhooked him from his monitors, and wrapped him in a blanket for me to hold.  After I sat down, Rob came in and sat next to me.  No words were spoken, since there didn't need to be.  But we both cried as I held my sweet baby in my arms.  Zach called my phone, but I handed it to Dr. Evans to tell Zach what had happened. 
Dr Evans asked Zach to pull the car over, and proceeded to tell him that we lost Declan.  No words can express the amount of pain that I felt that night.  So many things were running through my head.  I even thought about asking Rob if he would like to hold Declan, but I realized, this was my baby that I wasn't going to have for the rest of this life, and I was entitled to hold him in my arms. 
At one point, Declan gave a big breath, and I asked Dr. Evans if Declan was breathing on his own, but he told me that essentially, these were his last breaths.  I moved to sit closer to Isaac, to be near him as well, and at that moment, Isaac's monitors started beeping! The RT ran over, then yelled for a nurse, and my heart sunk again!! I was so worried Isaac was having problems too and I just couldn't handle all this heartache.  Once they got Isaac under control, I sat near him again, holding Declan.  And I distinctly remember Declan taking his last breathe, and knowing that was his last breathe. 

Zach had his some horrible traffic on the way, since there was fog in a pass he had to go through, the police stopped traffic until it was safe to drive.  But somehow, Zach managed to get to the hospital fast.  In about an hour! As soon as Zach got there, Rob left and made the phone call to my mom.  Zach took Declan and held him and gave him a blessing!  He blessed him and told him how proud we are. 
As soon as we were ready, we gave Declan to the nurses, gave Isaac some love, and went home to "sleep." 


*** The Version I wrote on my phone after the night
At about 1 am Sunday February 5, I received a phone call from dr Evans. He told me Declan wasn't doing too well and they suspected an infection and wanted permission to do a spinal tap. He told me he would call me in about an hour to give me an update. I called zach to tell him about it. Then a little bit later dr Evans called me again, telling me it would be a good idea to get to the hospital. I ran upstairs to have rob take me to the hospital. He dropped me off at the front and I went upstairs. One of the nurse, Kathy, met me in the hallway. She clenched onto my arm and told me we would walk in together and that everyone would be there to hold me up. I walked in and saw dr Evans, the respiratory therapist, and carinn a nurse, all surrounding my baby and giving him chest compressions. I lost it! I sat down for a minute and watched and silently prayed for Declan to come back. I got up and stood next to him telling him to come back. But I continued to watch his heart rate drop. Dr Evans told me he was gone. That he wasn't coming back. He asked if I wanted to hold him while he was still alive. They stopped compressions for a minute and his heart rate started to come up, so they tried compressions again but he dropped again. So I agreed to let them stop so they could take monitors off him and I could hold him. 
They wrapped him in a blanket and handed him to me. I sat down and cried. Dr Evans sat next to me. And rob sat on the other side of me. How was this happening? And what the heck happened? He was doing so good!! Declan grabbed onto my finger and I told him how much I loved him. He had a few gasps of air and dr Evans told me essentially they were his last breaths.  I laid him on my chest and held him close. I felt his last gasp for breath and knew that was it. I just held him, not wanting to let go. I could feel his body get colder and I continued to kiss his cold head.  Rob sat next to me and we cried. Zach showed up about an hour and a half later, and I put Declan in his arms. He told Declan how proud of him we are. And how we will see him soon. We both cried! This was such a shock to us! 
I gave rob a hug and he left for us to be together. Zach held Declan for a while. And I took him back so that zach could give him a blessing. Zach blessed him and told him we are proud of him and proud he has been called to go fulfill heavenly fathers plan. And that he needed to go get work done and that's why Heavenly Father called upon him. He blessed him to watch over Isaac and protect him. 
I opened up his blanket to take a look at his tiny feet and hold them in my hands. Then I broke down before I handed him off. 

Some blessings we have seen and felt:
Declan served a purpose on earth. He came and got his body, and he held on long enough that both zach and I were able to hold him in our arms and tell him we loved him. Zach had come just a few hours before and held him for the first time. 
Isaacs water broke, because he needed help, but it was almost as if he also needed to help his brother get back home to our father in heaven. 
Declan and I had a special bond. He never opened his eyes until about a week ago and he held my finger tightly and looked at me. When I got to hold him he smiled for me the whole time. It was the sweetest thing and I will never forget that. I left that day on cloud 9.

Delivery

I had spent 2 weeks at Jill and Rob's house. I think Jill liked having another adult at the house while Rob was gone every other week.  But on January 14, when I woke up, I could not feel baby B move.  He was normally very wiggly, and I didn't want to be paranoid, but at the same time, I really felt like something was wrong.
The good news was, as soon as I stood up to go to the bathroom, I started leaking more fluid.  I knew I needed to go back to the hospital.  And it was just nice that I didn't have to be paranoid, but could just do what needed to be done.  Jill drove me to the hospital, and I called Zach (who was at Edwards to fly) to drive back down to T.O.
I wasn't such a nervous wreck this time around.  I knew everything was going to be ok.  I knew that if they could get me 3 more weeks along, I could get further.  Dr. Vangeem came in to tell me that this time around I would not be leaving until the babies were born.  So to get nice and cozy.  The next day, Sunday, January 15, I was doing good. 
I had this weird thought that I could have the babies that day.  And that if I did have the babies, they would be just fine.  That everything was going to be ok.
 But I was starting to bleed, really heavy actually.  So the nurses kept in contact with  Dr. VanGeem.  He showed up at the hospital around 7pm and came in to tell me that it was a good idea to deliver the boys via c-section.  They wanted to get the NICU team ready and have a good delivery team ready before it became an emergency situation.  The NICU dr, Dr. Mah came in to meet us.  He told us that with the boys being 27 weeks, that we should be aware of complications this early on.  We were able to get another round of steroids to help with their lungs, but he did warn us that babies that early tend to have problems arise.  Dr. VanGeem also warned us that the boys had a great chance of living, but their chances of health problems was greater.
We still felt ok and knew this was what needed to happen.  So they got the OR ready, and we were able to call our families to let them know these boys were coming!  Zach gave me a blessing before I went in.
They wheeled me into the OR about 8pm, gave me an epidural and let me get comfy.  The anesthesiologist was great and even put a mirror over my head so I could watch the whole thing.  Zach got in his cool suit and cap and came in with the camera. 
The boys were born at 8:35pm and 8:36pm.  Dr. VanGeem told me I might not hear them cry, but Declan came out first and gave a little squeal! It was the most amazing thing! And he was so small!  They took him over to an incubator where Zach was able to cut his umbilical cord.  Isaac was born, but immediately he was handed the other direction.  At that point, I didn't know there were any issues with him.  I just thought, one group had Declan and one group had Isaac.  And while Zach was taking pictures, he mentioned he couldn't get any of Isaac.  Me, not knowing the situation, told him to just ask if he could get closer.  He was told to wait.  But got plenty of pictures of Declan.  They wheeled both boys together in an incubator to the NICU and I was back in my room before 9Pm.  It was so quick!! I was opened and stitched back up in about 15 minutes.  I was feeling pretty good too.
Before they wheeled me into my post-partum room, the nurse was nice enough to wheel me down to see my boys!!
I saw Declan first and he was so little!! He was 14.5inches long and 2.1lbs.  Isaac was 15.5 inches long and weighed 2lbs. Declan was able to breath on his own, with just a nasal cannula, but Isaac had to be intubated.  That is why he was given so much attention in the OR.  He had come out blue, lacking oxygen, and I learned later that he was being resuscitated.  That's a scary thing for a mom!
But my boys were so beautiful!!  And Zach was obsessed.  While I was stuck in my hospital bed, Zach spent most of his time in the NICU with our sweet boys!  He was learning so much about their care, how the machines worked, and every little detail of the NICU.  It really was sweet to watch Zach become this instant mega dad! He sure loves his boys!!
I didn't get to see the boys again until the next day.  By that point, my mom, dad, and Jimmy's family had driven down to see us.  The kids couldn't go into the NICU, but with Zach, he could take in the adults to see the boys.  January 16, monday night, Zach and my dad gave the boys blessings.  Unfortunately, I didn't get Declan's on video, but we do have a video of partial Isaac's blessing. 
It's amazing how instantly your heart can love someone! And even two people equally.  I love my boys so much and feel so grateful to be their mama. 

Christmas!

So after a few weeks of bedrest, it was so nice knowing I did not have to go to work!!! Ahh!

We were all going to Vegas for the week between Christmas and New Years.  Christmas was on a Sunday this year, and after speaking with Jill and Rob, they weren't heading to Vegas until after their Christmas morning at home.  So we decided instead of staying home by ourselves for Christmas, we were going to go spend Christmas Eve and Christmas with them. 

I had a follow up appointment with Dr. Karimi in Pasadena Thursday, December 22, So I had Jill bring the kids to us there to spend a couple days with us.  We took them with us to Edwards to see planes and things.  We even took them to a trampoline park so they could jump.  We had a lot of fun.  Then Friday, we drove down to Santa Clarita and met Jill and Rob at Cafe Rio.  I jumped in the car with them so Zach could go back home for the night with Rockie. 

Zach drove down Saturday morning.  During the afternoon, we decided to take boogie boards and go off the PCH where the guys would take the kids and slide down a giant sand hill.  They made it up one time...and came down one time... It was a lot of work!!! We hopped back in the car and went to some tide pools nearby.  We found a baby star fish! Rob wasn't cool with us touching it in fear it was going to die.  But walking back to the car, I started to feel a contraction, even though I didn't realize it at that point. 

We went back to Jill's house and decided on Thai food for dinner.  After we ate, and the kids went to bed, we stayed up and got the stockings filled and Christmas laid out.  We stayed up talking and as I was sitting on the couch , again I could feel contractions.  They were just minor cramps to me.  After talking, we walked to bed about 10:30pm. As soon as I walked into our room, I felt a flush of fluid!! I freaked out!! I had no idea what was going on.  I immediately went to the bathroom, and then screamed for Jill to come in.  I was expecting blood, but it was so much clear fluid!! I was only 24 weeks along! It was way too early for my water to break!! I put on my shoes and had rob and Zach give me a blessing before we went to the hospital. 

There really was so much fluid!! We got to the ER and they wheeled me up to labor and delivery.  I was crying uncontrollably and extremely scared!  The nurses got us into a room, and had me change into a gown.  Then they set up the heart rate monitors.  There was a lot of relief in hearing two little heart beats.  So strong!!  They asked if I was having contractions, but I didn't feel anything.  I never could calm down!

They put us in a different room, a more permanent room, and eventually the Ob-Gyn on call came to see us.  We had been told by so many nurses that if they were to be in our situation, this was the Dr they would want.  So that was a relief.  His name was Dr. VanGeem.  He came in and told us the game plan.  My water had in fact broke.  At that point, we thought it was baby A's water.  He told me they would have me on a bunch of medications and magnesium to keep me from going into labor.  They also were going to give me steroid shots for the babies; to help their lungs develop quicker. 
He told me that since the boys were only 24 weeks, there was a chance they might not survive and to consider sacrificing the weaker baby to save the stronger baby.
No way in hell! That was not even an option! And how does any parent make that choice?  I did not feel good with that decision!  As far as we could tell, from the heart monitors, they were both being strong.  I was encouraged to get a good night sleep (somehow) and then in the morning I was going to have an ultrasound. 
Christmas day!
The US tech didn't make it in until about 1pm.  It was a long wait!! But when they did the ultrasound, both of their fluid levels were high.  We learned that it was baby B (the higher one) whose water broke.  And baby A was acting as a plug to keep them in.  Both babies looked good. 
At that point, I was supposed to stay in the hospital another 3 months, or as long as possible, before giving birth.  So I was making good friends with the nurses and learning what was worth ordering for food. 
We missed Christmas and New Year's in Vegas, but we did have the Russell's from Edwards come visit us.  They brought me books and a ginger bread house to keep me occupied in the hospital for that long.
January 2, after I had been in the hospital a little over a week, Dr. VanGeem came in to tell me everything was looking good.  The boys' fluid levels were looking great, and as long as I wasn't having contractions he would let me go home...but only to Jill's.  Where I was in a close vicinity to Los Robles Hospital.  He was not comfortable with me going to Edwards since we weren't sure of the NICU option at Antelope Valley Hospital.  Jill and Rob agreed to let me stay with them.

I was supposed to be on bedrest, but i had a really hard time asking Jill...who was 9 months pregnant herself, help me with stuff.  So even though I spent most of my time in bed, i still got up regularly to get food or something.  And in the back of my head, I was really stressed about that...

Cerclage

On December 1, I left work to go to my scheduled high risk appointment. I remember the week before my high risk Dr mentioning something about my cervix being short.  But I was too naive to think that was a problem.  I went in for my appointment, and immediately my dr told me my cervix was about 1cm long and I was dilated about a 4.  I still didn't know what any of that meant, but he made phone calls to AV hospital to see if their on-call OB-GYN knew how to perform a cerclage.   He did not.  So Dr. Devore had a friend down in LA who could perform them.  I called Zach at work to come pick me up because we needed to drive down to LA to get this procedure done ASAP.  I was not supposed to walk, but they allowed me to walk out to my car to wait for Zach. 

We made our way down to Pasadena, where we went to Dr. Karimi's office.  We made it in a good enough time and he was waiting for us.  He did an ultrasound to check for his self and decided I needed to get a cerclage that night.  The hospital was right across the street, so they wheeled me over and got me admitted. 

Unfortunately, there were no available time slots in the OR's for me that night, so I had to wait until morning.  Zach went and picked up Arby's for us for dinner, and it was the most delicious thing.  He even got salted caramel cookies, that I had become addicted to after that point.  All night, we heard many women go through labor and screaming down the hallways.  It was hard to get a good night sleep.

The following morning, which was a Friday, I had my cerclage.  They gave me an epidural but I was awake, since general anesthesia is not good for the babies.  Everything went well and they took me outside the OR in recovery until the numbing wore off.  It happened pretty quickly though. 

The boys were doing well! All of their monitoring showed that they were great!  I told the Dr that I did not want to go back to work...ever!!  I was so fearful of more complications since I was already worked too much at my new job.  I had this feeling for weeks, that I needed to go on bedrest.  I stood all day long, I was never given a real break.  And the tech that was supposed to be the float always made me give breaks.  It made no sense!!  I was not in a good position to be working as hard as I was. So Dr. Karimi agreed that he would write me out of work for the remainder of my pregnancy.  What a relief?!

After the cerclage, they kept me another 24 hours to monitor me.  I had noticed I was leaking fluid, and it kept Dr. Karimi on edge!  The last thing he wanted to do was to somehow rupture a placenta and cause amniotic fluid to leak...or cause me to go into labor.  They did a couple tests and monitored everything and then I was finally released on Saturday.  I was under strict bedrest orders.

Problem with bedrest when your husband has to work..is I still had to get myself things to eat, or make dinner.  But I am so grateful for Dr's who were willing to get me the care I needed immediately.  Our boys were under great care!

I Love It When We're Cruising Together

Even though we knew I would be pregnant, and we weren't entirely sure how my pregnancy would go, Zach and I booked a 7 day cruise to Mexico.  It was pretty much a last "hurrah" for the two of us before the babies arrive.  But my pregnancy was great, and we go the clearance from my OB/GYN to travel.  I wasn't sick during my pregnancy, but I did have a bad food aversion.  I learned that the smell of food would make me have no appetite.  So if I made something for dinner, all the time it was cooking, and I could smell it, I wouldn't want to eat it by the time it was done.  So I was living off of Snickers bars and Ensure. 

When I was told that that was my problem, I started going to get something to eat at a fast food place, and eat it as fast as possible before I wasn't hungry anymore. I was so paranoid that I wouldn't give the babies enough nutrients, but I was pretty sure I was getting atleast something from the Ensure and my prenatal vitamins.

So on the cruise, I pretty much lived off of french fries and steak! haha That was one of the benefits of  being on a cruise and having food 24/7 available.  It was a great trip for Zach and I.  And something I enjoyed while pregnant.  I never got seasick.  But we never took full advantage of all that the ship had to offer.  I was so tired that I would want to be in bed by 8pm and all the comedy shows or any show started later in the evening.  So I watched a lot of TV or slept.  Zach did go enjoy himself in the casino though.  And made a few friends.

I loved showing off my, very tiny, baby bump.  But more than anything, it just looked like I had too much to eat.  The only time I recognized that I had any issue was walking through Mazatlan.  There wasn't much to do there.  We walked through the town and I was tired quickly.  So we would stop to rest every once in a while.  And I noticed my fingers starting to swell, so I had to chug some water to hydrate myself.  They returned to normal quickly, but it didn't take long for us before we returned to the boat to just hang out by the pool.

We met this cute little couple at dinner one night.  They overheard us talking about how expensive the drinks were.  I usually resorted to drinking lemonade, since it was pretty much all I drank.  But they were avid cruisers and told us that we could bring any amount of drinks or snacks on the ship.  So they usually bring a few cases of soda and snacks to go back to their room and veg.  We also told them how we just found out we were having sweet little twin boys, and they told us they had twin boys too!!  It was pretty exciting to be sharing that with them!  Plus, it's always fun to brag about our babies!!

Boy. Girl. Twins. Alien

I knew from before we got pregnant that I wanted to have a secret gender reveal.  I had mentioned it to my sweet friend, Kelly Peterson, and she offered right away to throw one for us.  From the moment we found out we were pregnant with twins, I was convinced it was twin girls.  From my easy symptoms being similar to other people who had girls, I had convinced myself right away.  And because of my feelings, I think I had Zach convinced as well. 

When we were finding out the gender, I had both my regular OB/GYN appointment and my high-risk appointment a day apart.  So I planned to get them both to write down the genders for me, just to be positive.  I had Dr. Ngo write it down first, and I gave that envelope to Kelly.  She immediately checked it, then started crying.  Of course I was emotional, but it just made her happy.  But because she had seen Dr. Ngo for June, and was originally told she was having a boy, she wanted me to get a second opinion from my high risk dr.  After my high risk appointment, I took over that envelope and she ensured me that both drs said the same thing.

We had the gender reveal at our friend, Jaime Bell's house.  We had a lot of people show up!!  It was so great!  The Bells, Peterson, Higgins, Kramers, McCulloughs, Russells, Amanda Smith, and Valene Harris.  Kelly handed people silly string cans to spray at us after we did the last baby reveal.

Kelly also decided that she wanted to do the gender reveal one at a time, so that it was apparent each baby was an individual.  I thought that was really nice of her.  She handed me a cannister of confetti to pop open.  I put one hand on top, and one hand on bottom to twist... our first baby is a BOY!!!  I was in complete shock!! A boy?  I was so sure it was a girl!!  Ok, so the next one must be a girl.  I'm gonna have a boy and a girl.  Zach was handed the second cannister.  He twisted..and again, BLUE confetti!  Two BOYS!!! Everyone started spraying us with blue silly string! There was blue confetti everywhere!!

It was so much to take in, and seriously, such a surprise!!  I was so emotional!!  And so excited, but I had my mind so set on girls it took me a minute to adjust to having two boys!! But I was so stinking excited!!!

Kelly gave us a pair of these super sweet little boy shoes.  I am so grateful I get to be the mother of these sweet little boys!! 

Twins

I drove down to Beverly Hills for an ultrasound to see how things were going. I had my labs drawn and a quick ultrasound.  I was a little curious to see if we had any embryos split or anything.  But Dr. Surrey had to be the one to do the ultrasound, that way he could relay any important information.  When the image came up on the screen, I could see these two little black blobs.  I jokingly said, "well I know there's not 4!" and he responded with, "well there's not one either."  His sense of humor is really hard for emotional/hormonal women.  Because my heart sank a little!  For a brief second I dreaded having to go through the whole process over to try again.  Then he said, "because there are TWO." 

I can't even being to explain how happy I was to know we were having twins.  As soon as I left the office, I sent Zach ultrasound pictures and gave him a call.  We are so excited!!  We just love our little jelly beans!!

Verdict

After the transfer, I was told to wait 10 days before I could go in and get a blood test to determine whether I was pregnant and if the IVF had worked.  By that point, I was back to work carrying on my normal day.  So it was August 10, and I got up as early as possible to go to the lab across the street from my work to get my blood work done.  I knew the sooner I did that, the sooner Dr. Surrey's office would call with the results!  I worked, and waited, and worked...and waited.  I was almost done with my work shift, but a little stressed because I hadn't heard from Dr. Surrey's office. 

I tried calling the office but they hadn't received the results yet.  So I tried calling the lab to see if they had the results, and they only had an automated calling system.  So stupid!! I couldn't even talk to an operator.  I realized I didn't get off work until 5pm and the lab closed at 5pm so I left a few minutes early to drive across the street and find out what was going on!! And of course I got there and it was already closed!!

I was so anxious and annoyed and sat in my car and started to cry!  It was so silly because I had already waited 10 days.  What was 1 more day?? But I was dying to know!!  I started to drive toward home, and while I was on the lake bed between, Rosamond and Edwards, where my phone signal is the worst, I got a call from Dr. Surrey's office! I was so paranoid I was going to drop his call or something.  But somehow, there were no issues.  I pulled into the parking lot, just before the gate, so that I could get the results without being on the phone or interrupted by the gate guard. He was a little confusing in his call, so after he was explaining stuff, I just straight up asked, "so am I pregnant?"  To which he replied, "yes, you are pregnant." 

Those words were music to my ears.  I had never felt so much joy and excitement!  I immediately drove to the BX to get a pregnancy test.  Just to have visible results that we were, in fact, pregnant.  I got home and immediately called Zach to tell him the good news.  He was sleeping, but it was such a good call!  We both started crying and just felt so much joy that we were gonna have a baby...or two!!

Transfer

On July 30, I had to drive down to Beverly Hills to have all my blood work done and make sure everything was good to go.  What freaked me out was that we didn't have the correct paper work from Zach approving me to implant his embryos.  He mailed it to the office, but they couldn't find it.  And what made it worse, was that he was supposed to have it notorized so it wasn't like I just went and forged his signature.  What was I supposed to do? The transfer was the next day!! I was freaking out a bit because I had been doing all the injections and I had my heart set on getting those embryos implanted! I didn't want to wait another second!!

What we ended up doing was we Facetimed Zach and watched his sign it.  And we took a screenshot of him holding up the paper, with his signature and his I.D.  It wasn't formal, but they allowed it as proof that he was all in!  He just had to send that signed paper to the office for their records.  What a relief!!

That night, mom came to Edwards to prepare to take me in for the transfer.  I was told to drink 3 liters of water.  So I was chugging water all the way down there, and then we stopped across the street for breakfast first.  I had to pee so bad!!! I was dying!  We went upstairs to the office to get all signed in, and I thought I was going to pee my pants.  They let me go try to just "pee a little" for relief. How in the world is that possible?  I was able to stop, but it didn't relieve the amount of discomfort I had.  

When they took me back, Dr. Surrey emptied my bladder a little so I wasn't uncomfortable during the procedure.  Mom sat next to me in the procedure room, and she made a video on my phone and Facetimed Zach on her phone.  That way Zach could be apart of the process.  

The embryologist came in and asked how many embryos we wanted.  We agreed on 2.  Then she went back to her lab to get them.  She came back in, checked our names to make sure they were correct, and then there was an ultrasound tech doing an ultrasound while Dr. Surrey took a catheter that placed the embryos in my uterus.  We could see the catheter on the screen to atleast know where that was being placed.  They tilted me upside down for a little bit while the embryologist went to her lab to use a microscope to make sure the embryos were no longer on the catheter.  A few minutes later, they came in to tell us it was complete!! So cool!!

They wheeled me out, and mom stayed for a few days because I was on strict bedrest.  It was nice having mom to help me out.  I just laid on the couch and we watched a lot of movies and tv shows.  It sure was hard not being stressed out by the whole process.  I was so scared to go through all of this and it not work.  Those hormones are not easy.  I was crazy to everyone, I am sure!!

The Results are In

I can guarentee I would have a lot more emotion in these posts if I posted regularely.  But instead, I got lazy, and depressed and didn't update at all.

So after I had my surgery, and got my results back, it showed that I had plasma cells showing an infection.  I was on antibiotics for two weeks, and then had to go back in a week later for a biopsy.  I was awake for the biopsy and he went in with some tiny curette to scrape out some cells from my uterus and it hurt like a Mother! I had to have a full bladder and he told me to just "relax" while he scraped my insides out, and I tried not to pee.  Thanks Dr!

I waited all weekend, basically with high hopes.  I was not expecting any more delays, but when the Dr called (a day earlier than I expected), I was devastated to hear my infection had not gone away :(  I needed to be on another antibiotic another 2 weeks to redo the process.

Of course, the pharmacy I had them call my Rx into was right across the street from the hospital, and during the night a drunk driver had hit the power line and I couldn't pick up my Rx.  When I went back a little later, they said they never received it.  Needless to say, I was discouraged from the results, and really frustrated I couldn't get the prescription filled right away. Since the power was out at work, I was able to get off work early and I did finally get my Rx filled on base.

I finished my two weeks of antibiotics, and had my biopsy.  I got my results back and they are clear!! And I got the go ahead to start my injections.  I started injections July 7 and there's just something about the peace of moving forward.

When I told Zach my results were clear, he texted back, "I am going to be a dad!" It was so stinking sweet, and I started to tear up.  We still have to get through this process, but I am so glad to have him for support through everything.  I love him so much!

Time

Anyone who has ever given up their spouse for a long period of time for work, or a deployment, or whatever it may be, may know how hard it is!  I found this really cool app that shows you, with a pie chart, how much time is passing (or not passing) during that time away.  And I love it!!  I may or may not look every single day to check if we are progressing in this process.  I have to admit, the first week was really hard, because there was only a tiny amount of time going by, but once we got past the first 25% through, it seems as though the time is starting to speed up.  Or maybe it's just cause the color in my pie chart for what's left is getting smaller.  Either way, I am really happy to SEE the progression!!



The app is called Doing Time, and you can modify the colors to what you want.  And it sure beats cutting and stapling paper for a chain!

A Step at a Time

I had to have surgery on Cinco De Mayo! Ay ya ya!  I had a scheduled hysteroscopy to have those stupid fibroids removed.  My sweet mother in law drove up for the day to take me to surgery.  It wasn't scheduled until 2pm, but she arrived on base at 8:30am and by the time we got her checked on to base it was about 9.  So we just headed down to LA right after that.  I think both of us were anticipating traffic, but we got there rather quickly; about 10:30.  We parked and decided to walk up Rodeo Drive.  But there's really not much to it.  We asked where the Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel was, to get our Pretty Woman on, and was directed exactly across the street from where we were standing. Ha! Expecting to be wowed by the interior of the hotel and see it just like the movie, we quickly learned they remodeled and it looks nothing like the movie!! Bummer!



We stopped at a little french cafe for Gwynne to grab a bite to eat, then figured we would go to the surgery center to check in, since they told me to be there at 1.  It was 12:30 when we showed up and they told me that since I had just had surgery there I didn't need to fill anything out and to come back at my surgery time.  Grrr.

So we bought some cupcakes at Sprinkles...



And walked around for a little while longer.




My surgery went well.  I was asleep for about an hour, they removed some polyps, but the fibroids are actually in the walls of my uterus and will not be removed.  He showed me pictures of my uterus and it looks really good.


I received a called the next week saying that my pathology report showed that I have plasma cells, which is basically a sign of infection and harmful to any fetus. I would need to be on an antibiotic for a couple weeks before moving forward.   So I have been on the antibiotic and go back in in a couple weeks for a biospy to make sure everything is clear.

My prayer at this point is that things come back clear.  I am heartbroken with everything that has happened.  I truly anticipated to have a healthy, easy ability to get pregnant, and these past two years have been so rough and hard on Zach and myself.  Each set back, whether big or little, creates so much heartache and I really hope we can get through this sooner than later.  We both just can't wait to have our little family. But I am also glad the surgery went well and things are not as bad as they could be. I do know it's just a matter of time before we finally get a positive pregnancy test.

Tender Mercy

It's amazing how much the little things mean so much when you are stressed out.  When we moved on base we opted out of having our backyard mowed by the landscaping company because of our dogs.  So I would go out and mow when I got a chance.  But since Denver died, we haven't really needed to do it ourselves.

Once the weather started to get a little warmer, I decided to start pulling the weeds and reseeding the yard so that we could get the yard ready and usable.  But I would spend my days off pulling weeds, and then two days later the weeds would be back... and double the amount.  I would pull weeds again, and the same thing... a couple days later they would be back and even more!!  I went and bought weed spray and spent time spraying the weeds, but it never killed them.  Instead, I would look at the backyard and those weeds were, well, growing like weeds!!

So yesterday, with Zach being gone, and just feeling overwhelmed, I finally called the landscaping company and had them put our names back on the mow list.  I was a little worried I would get chewed out for having our yard look as bad as it does, but I mentioned that Zach is deployed and I just really need help.

Today, I got a call at work from the girl I spoke to yesterday.  She left a message but told me that the landscapers came and mowed and sprayed the weeds.  But that next week, they will come and clean up all the weeds.  I literally started to tear up.  I called her back just to say "thank you!"  It's really silly how that means so much, but I feel like ever since Zach left so much has piled up and instead of having him here to help me through it, I am alone.  And I haven't quite figured out how to cope with all this...especially alone.

Utah

So I was able to go to Utah last weekend to witness the baptism of Cole and Ella, and also to witness Tyler receive the Aaronic priesthood.  It was such a special weekend, and I am so proud of them and their righteous desires.  I love those kids so much and feel so grateful to have such a special relationship with them. I am also grateful to have had a weekend to be with my family.  It was much needed and always a good time.

                                                    

                                                    

MRI

So the Monday after Zach left, I received a call from my Dr. telling me that when they had done the HSS exam he had found a "marker" and they needed me to go in for an MRI.  Luckily I was able to get an MRI scheduled for the following Thursday, after work, but before I headed to Utah for the weekend.  But on the referral, under "reason for exam" was written "adenomyosis."  So not wanting to look up too much online, but atleast wanting to know what it was, I searched it.

Basically it's a condition where there's a thickening of the uterine wall, that causes infertility and miscarriages.  Meaning, that if we had implanted I may not ever be able to get pregnant.  I knew I wouldn't get results until after the weekend, so I had all weekend that I was just storing up more and more nervousness and anxiety about the results.  And in all honesty, I had a lot of anger building up.  If I couldn't get pregnant at all, why didn't they do this test before I had my egg retrieval?  If I needed to get a surrogate, and pay extra money, why wasn't I given the option to invest our original expenses into adoption instead of creating embryos that I wouldn't be able to carry anyway?

I was already stressed out because of the extra money that keeps adding on, but not knowing the results of the MRI scared the crap out of me!!  I spent the weekend in Utah, so that was able to help keep my mind off everything, but once I had to drive back to CA and I was in a car by myself for 3 hours, my mind was spinning to a ton of different conclusions.  And I was not doing well.

On Tuesday, I got home from work and went straight to my room and grabbed my patriarchal blessing.  And though it says one thing, I was starting to doubt that it was true.  If my MRI results came back bad, I was really starting to question my faith.  In the priesthood, in my patriarchal blessing, in trying to make good choices.  I reread what it says on motherhood over and over again, and realized I just needed to be patient and faithful, and know that things will work out.

About an hour later, my Dr called to tell me the results. He told me that the MRI showed that I don't have adenomyosis (phew) but that I have uterine fibroids (benign tumors), and I need to have a hysteroscopy to have them removed.  I still felt a little nervous, but more so relieved that it's still possible to have children.  I also texted my sisters right away, and learned that Mel had some too and had to have them removed.  And she has 3 awesome kids.  So it really gave me some peace of mind.

I feel like this last week has just been bad news after bad news.  And being home alone now, with limited time to actually talk to Zach, I've really been in a bad place.  Just trying to figure it out but not really having anyone to talk to.  I've continued to read my scriptures and say my prayers.  It's really the only thing I can do.  Even though sometimes my faith is tested, I am grateful for the gospel foundation I do have that keeps me grounded and I can keep doing the simple things that help me grow.

Depart

How do I even begin this post?  This past week was one of the hardest weeks I've had to experience.  Our last day together, we went to a Dr. appointment for more blood work and they decided while I was there to do another HSS exam.  So I stayed for that and then they wrote up my next round of Rx's.  We picked up those and dropped another butt load of money on that! It makes me sick watching the $$ signs rise.

But with as much stress as that causes, I really had to not focus on it for the day since it was my last day with Zach before he left for his deployment.  We had plans to go to The Broad museum, but since it was raining, we realized quickly that everyone would be at a museum in LA, especially once we saw the line wrapped around the building.  So we just went and got lunch at Jessica Biel's new restaurant Au Fudge, in Beverly Hills.  It was super cute with really yummy food.  And we couldn't check in our hotel until 3pm, so we killed time by wandering around Target and Ross.

Since it was raining, we contemplated going to a movie or doing something for our last night together, but ultimately just ended up ordering pizza and watching movies in our hotel room.  It was perfect, actually.  Zach and I really do just enjoy spending time together.

I dropped him off at LAX super early in the morning, then went back to my hotel to sleep for a little before driving home.  I really did do well until I got back to Edwards.  Then I completely lost it!!  And when I finally felt ok, it was time to go to bed...alone. And I lost it again!!  Rockie noticed me sobbing, so he came up right in my face to check on me.  I guess I am atleast lucky I have a little dog to keep me company.
                                              

Update

Back at the doctor this morning for another ultrasound and blood work.  My hormone levels are going down, my ovaries are back to normal, but they found a pocket of fluid tucked back behind my liver causing the shortness of breath.  So to be safe they had me go do a chest X-Ray at an imaging place around the corner.  The silly dr only read "hyperstimulation" on my order so he did an ultrasound, and goes, "looks like you should get a chest Xray."  So i laughed and told him that's why I was there.  I definitely wasn't mad because an ultrasound isn't harmful, but I just thought he was doing precautionary stuff, so I let him do it.  But funny fact, he was the guy who developed the transvaginal ultrasound anyway haha.

But the chest Xray didn't show anything bad, just the fluid and they told me it should go away.  I should be drinking more water, instead of the cream soda I've been chugging.

But fun news is we have 8 embryos!! Scares me a bit, but such a relief we have such a strong number.

After such a long day at the dr, we went to try food at a place we found watching Diners, Drive-In's, and Dives, called Fat Sal's and it did not disappoint!

OHSS

So my surgery went well.  They got 34 follicles retrieved.  Then we got home...

I started out doing well, but when I woke up the next morning...I was having a hard time breathing, standing up straight, I was feeling nauseas.  I feel like the list can go on.  After my blessing from Zach and Joe, I knew I was going to get through this, but I wasn't sure how long it would last.  I sort of hoped it was just a day thing.

It wasn't.  So what ended up happening after retrieving the follicles is the space that is left can start to fill up with fluid; called ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome.  It doesn't happen every time someone goes in for IVF treatments, but because my body had responded so quickly to all the injections, it ended up happening to me.  Sometimes the fluid travels to more than the ovaries, and I was lucky enough to start getting fluid up in my upper right quadrant of my chest involving my kidney and liver; which was making it hard to breath.  I coudn't eat a bite of food without feeling like I had just run a marathon.  I could only sleep or lay on my back, which is hard for me being a side/belly sleeper.  It hurt so much if I turned onto my side, almost like my rib was stabbing into my lungs.

I also couldn't keep any food down.  Almost to the point I just became afraid to eat, in fear of throwing it up.  It was easier just to prevent that by not eating.  Even without eating I felt bloated, which I guess makes sense if your ovaries are full of fluid.  My tummy was very tender and everytime Rockie felt the need to climb on my lap, it was on my belly!! He got yelled at quite a few times.

By Day 5, which was Sunday, I was just so miserable that I just told Zach I could handle this if bedtime came quicker and I could sleep it off.  But each morning, when I was feeling worse than I expected, it was really hard!  I sat on the bed panting, trying to catch my breath, not being able to move, and just praying i could get through the day.  But Sunday, after throwing up quite a few times, even the water I had been drinking, Zach told me we needed to go to the ER.  We contemplated it.  But because of his blessing, I knew it was just a hard thing I needed to endure, but I would make it through.

Finally Sunday night I was starting to feel much better!  To the point that I told Zach if I could just wake up Monday morning, atleast feeling that good, I could handle it all.  Luckily, Monday I woke up feeling so much better!  Not nauseas, and I could stand up straight! I had another ultrasound and blood work done.  The ultrasound showed there is still fluid and my blood work showed that my hormone levels had not gone down over the weekend.  They gave me another rx for more injections to get them down, and I go back tomorrow.

I am feeling so much better!  I can't get off the couch without feeling like i just ran a marathon and panting like crazy, but compared to how I felt, this is nothing!  But I can honestly say, I will never do a fresh cycle of IVF again.  Whatever frozen embryos we have and take, I will be grateful for.  If, for whatever reason they don't take, I won't try to do this again.  I will come to terms with not having my own babies, and I will adopt and be happy with it.  I am usually strong, with a high pain tolerance, but this hyper stimulation really made me turn weak

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This has been a trial that has been amazing for me and Zach.  I will never take this time and experience forgranted.  It's actually been really nice to cuddle all day and watch lots of tv!

All in a Week's Work

We started my injections.  One easy one in the morning, so I thought, “this isn’t so bad!”  Then the night time injection came and I wanted to bite Zach’s ear off from the amount of burning I felt in my lower belly.  But in general, it didn’t last long, so it is a price I am willing to pay.  The injections haven’t been too bad.  I guess I was expecting more bloating and to be a lot more cranky.  But I am usually bloated J and usually cranky.  So it all worked out.  I had to drive down to Beverly Hills on Wednesday and Friday for an ultrasound.  Boy are those little follicles not so little!  It’s fun to see what two days worth of injections will do to their growth. 

Because they were growing so fast and the injections were doing their job, I got to have my retrieval earlier than our schedule estimated.  I went back in for ultrasounds Sunday and Monday and Tuesday and then Wednesday (Mar.16)… retrieval day!

I wasn’t feeling too bad after retrieval.  My nurse was amazing! And they were able to retrieve 34 eggs!  Not too shabby.

We got some café rio on our way home, then zach moved our guest bed mattress into the living room and we just slumber partied it out.  We watched a lot of Gotham on Netflix and my diet was strictly double stuf oreos and milk… and a side of Gatorade. 

Thursday day wasn’t too bad.  I continued to lay around watching tv, but toward the afternoon I felt more full and bloated than normal.  My back ached and I couldn’t catch my breath.  We had another appointment this morning, and I really thought I wasn’t going to catch my breath.  I was feeling nauseas, and luckily because Zach’s phone showed him a different route, we had gotten off the freeway at the time I needed him to pull over for me to throw up in the gutter. 

Our appointment went well.  They did an ultrasound and I could see the dark spots,(fluid) in my liver and around my ovaries verifying that I had in fact gotten hyperstimulated.  Not a cool feeling at all! 

We won't be doing the transfer until the end of April, beginning of May, time frame.  Which would mean that Zach is going to be gone.  But that’s a fun story for our children later.

I got home and we put as many pillows on the bed as we could and napped for a couple hours.  I am so utterly out of breath and nauseas that I can’t stand it.  We had a family friend, Joe Peterson, come over and help Zach give me a blessing.  This trial right now is hard!  I am not even pregnant.  But to anybody who can get pregnant naturally, I don’t ever want to hear them complain.  This whole IVF process is pure hell.  And I know that when it’s all said and done, I will be grateful for this.  But for now, I’m just trying to survive.

I also can’t forget to express my absolute gratitude to Zach for all he does for me.  He has been my rock and my greatest support through all of this.  He has been so willing to do anything I’ve needed and really take care of me.  I feel so blessed and so much more in love with him now than ever. 

Life Lessons

As we are preparing to start our fertility treatment, Zach and I realized we could have a baby already.  It’s been at least 9 months, and while I’ll never know a due date, we can’t help but think that we could be in the early stages of sleepless nights.  And then we think, how could we have had a miscarriage if my tubes are blocked?  How is that even possible?  

I don’t know that I will ever understand how, but I do know that if we didn’t have a miscarriage I wouldn’t have been as persistent in this whole process.  After having the miscarriage, and having people tell us “it’s not the right time,” I felt so strongly in my heart I needed to keep going!  I’ve had some pretty amazing impressions and promptings from the Holy Ghost.  I am so grateful to know that Zach and I are lead daily through our faith and trust in God.  We have an amazing life and family in store for us and they are in a hurry to get to us.